When we first entered the world of multiplicity it was as a survivor.  We knew little of multiples and less about being a survivor, other than what we lived.  We believed to be accepted we had to fit, had to be like the others we met.  Therefore we kept quiet a lot of who we were and took on the rules that were exhibited around us.  We always have had a need to fit in, to be accepted and to achieve this we often followed other people's beliefs blindly.  This need to be as others were, was a cage that held us imprisoned for a long time.  We neither agreed with their rules, or fitted into their paradigms, so we gave up parts of ourselves, kept them hidden, as if they were dirty secrets.  We had not found a way out of the secretness and lies from our past, instead just created new ones to replace the old.

In our life so much was taken from us, robbed or just plainly lost.  Our recovery means reclaiming those things that have been stolen and/or twisted into something evil.  As an adult in this world, we now have the right of self-determination.  We can choose how to live our life, what things to embrace as part of that and what things to let drop away.  We no longer rely on another person for life or happiness, it is now our sole responsibility.  Just as it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves, to no longer hide behind the label of victim and expect others to fix our problems or treat us as if we were so fragile a single word could shatter us.  By accepting this right to self-determination and responsibility, we must also accept that others have the same rights.

When we came to this realisation we found a lot of the protocols and beliefs of the survivor communities became irritating.  There seemed to be a need to stay hidden from the world, holding up the "victim" sign.  Does that sound harsh, maybe so?  But when you allow a thing or a concept to have power over you it is like choosing to remain a victim.  Words are just words, letters organised to form meaning.  To say a word is triggering means you are allowing it to be so.  Yes words hold meaning, but in the real world you can not escape words, and eventually you have to face up to them.  The practice of putting a * in a word has always confused me, I mean, the word sex is still the word sex even if its is spelt s*x.  By putting a * in it aren't we just giving it more power than it deserves, aren't we just perpetuating the feeling of helplessness.  Is it that as survivors of abuse we are so weak and fragile that letters on a page will destroy us, or is it we like being helpless and do not wish to confront those things that worry us.

I learnt, in my life, that words hold power for the user.  With words you can describe the simplest beauty, bring pain to someone, or reclaim your power and proclaim your voice.  But in my attempt to fit into the world of online survivors I lost my ability to use words, and therefore lost my voice.  Slowly words became something to be feared rather than my way out of the mess I was in.  It was like another gag had been placed in my mouth, no longer the threat of violence kept me silent, but rather the belief that as a survivor you need to be afraid of words.  And when you are afraid of words, you soon become afraid of ideas.  It isn't long before you lose your power, your strength and eventually your very self.

Like words the idea of personal choice or lifestyle gets twisted.  How many times have I heard survivors talk about the evilness of sex, that sexual desire comes from the devil, that we need to find Jesus to heal, that we need to be one, be like everyone else, that there is some way survivors should think or act.   Yes it takes time and work to reclaim those things that were twisted and distorted in our lifes, but to us that's would recovery means, reclaiming our power.  We made choices and in many cases those choices have lead us to alternative lifestyles.   Things that were once used to hurt us have now become powerful aspects in our life, things to be proud of.  We now voice clearly and loudly our different sexuality, our different relationship with our partner, our different spirituality.  We are proud of our multiplicity, proud of our faith, proud of our psychic abilities.  All things that once terrified us, once made us feel like we were evil to have.

This for us is empowerment, this is reclaiming what was lost.  Its the growth into a person or in our case people that have looked at their life, looked at what is good for us and built on that, looked at what is harmful or wrong for us and let that go.  Our power now comes from the knowledge that the only approval we need is that sense of self approval, knowing we can look at ourselves in the mirror and know we have been honest that day.  The people in our life tried very hard to destroy us, the strength we have now in our self will not let another set of people and beliefs destroy who we are now.