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22-03-01    23-03-01       28-03-01
 
 

I have no idea what I want to write about, hard to write, can't stop shaking.  Been this way for a while now.  Why can't we just get better.  Why do we need to keep paying for being abused.  Fuck it we de didn't ask for any of this.  We have been pacing back and forward, everything is in chaos  No one can calm dow.  I am struggling to write this, struggling to stay in control, not only of the body but of my own mind, keeping all those images out of my head.  I don't want any of it anymore.  There is that feeling here that the world is crumbling under our feet and we can barely hang on.  I manage to put a brave face on it with Joy, keeping in as much control as possible, it's draining, staying out, staying focused.  All we want to do is curl into a little ball right now, curl so tight that we turn in on ourselves and disappear.  We have had to stop therapy, we can't even manage to keep things together enough to get down there,  can't concentrate long enough to do any work.  This is a necessity, but it means we are even more alone.  Our last real life human contact lost.  I think that when things get bad we get a form of agoraphobia.  Its not so much being afraid of being out in the open, rather it's more about being afraid to be out of sight of our own home.  So leaving the house to go to the washing line is ok, but if we walk all the way to the mailboxes and lose sight of our house we start to feel panicky.  Going into town therefore, is just beyond our abilities.

I don't understand why this is happening, I thought we were better than this, I really did.  I thought we had moved past the stage when the system could lose integrity, could disintegrate.  I thought we had moved to a place in life that we could handle what life threw at us.  It's been 4 years since we were hospitalised, and I thought that meant we would always have a sense of control over all the pain here.  But we were wrong, we weren't that far along, or we were and have fallen right back to the beginning again.  We are falling apart by the hour.  And the bad thing, the thing that really makes this so hard is that I am unable to ask for help, because of the simplest reason, we have no idea what help we need.  We have no idea what, if anything, could make a difference right now.  I think of someone doing the simple things for me, cleaning, cooking, looking after that stuff, and I shudder.  I don't want to be babied, I wouldn't be able to stand it.  I think about someone here when we are in flashback, someone here to hold us when we cant stop shaking.  But the shame of being that out of control, of being seen like that would be unbearable.  I think of spilling all the shit out of my mind, dumping it on someone, just to get it out, to stop it going around in my head constantly, but I can't do that, I don't have the words to speak of that, I don't know how to say it.  So the reality is that I can't get help right now.  Because I don't have a clue what to ask for, or how to allow us to do it, how to get through all the barriers here.
 
 

I can't do this, I am going crazy, my head is full of noise, not like before, not people talking and stuff, but it's like a party going on nice door, everyone talking really loud, but you can only here the mumble through the wall.  Everything is such a mess, we can't leave the house, I don't know what will happen when we run out of coffee and smokes, not so worried about food, hell it might turn into a good diet.  But I can go out, I mean I can sit out on the verandah in the sun, did that today for a little while, and Trey did some weeding in that front patch, but we decided to be normal and go to the letter box, when we turned the corner and we far enough away from the house so we couldn't see it it was major panic, its so stupid I mean we know nothing was going to happen, it wasn't so much a feeling of fear, more like a lost, uncentred feeling, if that makes sense.  So now we are trapped, in our home, away from everyone.  Shit I was just thinking it would probably be better if Alison threw us in hospital, but we aren't at risk of suicide, at least I don't think so, its just that we are very sick right now, we can't take care of ourselves, we can't manage daily living, or control our brain, so we can think and not go into flashback all the time.

I spent 2 hours today curled up on the bed, unable to move, unable to cry or make any indication on what was happening.  The memories, quick snapshots, like some evil slide show flashed through my mind, my mother, my grandparents, all these evil things.  How can I carry on like this, how can I survive it and not just give up totally.  Sometimes I think I would welcome true insanity, its the knowing this isn't good, the wishing for health and normalcy that's the most devastating.  If this was all it was, if it was just memories, hallucinations, whatever constantly without breaks, where you crave something better, crave contact, and friends, a job, a life.  If we could just be sick without having to fight to get better it would be a whole lot easier to cope with.  I spoke with my neighbour last night, about how I have no time for victims, how their wish to remain ill, or to have someone else fix their problems just irritates me too much, and its true, and therefore I can't do that.  I can't just give in, but fuck its so damn tempting right now.  But what would that mean, I go quietly insane in my home, I waste away until I starve to death.  If I can't get out of the house eventually the food is going to run out, and no matter how much I joke about food parcels I could never admit I was that ill that I required food to be delivered.

Writing this I want to scream out for some kind of help, perhaps if it was a week day I would ring Alison, and beg for something, anything.  But I don't even know what help it is we are wanting.  I know no one can stop this, there is no magic wand, no wonderful pill.  There is nothing here to take it all away and make me a normal person again.  Joy has offered her help, but what can I do, how do I find the words other than these ones I write over and over again.  How to I reach out for help when I have no idea what it is we are wanting, or how to ask for it.  I can not expect people to be mind readers, or amazing carers that know automatically what will help.  If we don't know how the hell are they suppose to.  I know there are a number that hate being alone right now, that want someone here, to witness it, to hold us, but at the same time there is an equal number that are so ashamed that they want no one to even know.  They don't even want us writing this stuff here, we are suppose to be strong and capable, not some weak disturbed people.  How did things get this crazy!  I just wish we knew what would help and how to do it.
 
 

I think that what Joy said last night was right, the main problem here is that there is so much shit running around in my brain that the pressure of it is causing all this pain and distress.  It need to be released, and by talking it over, but speaking all those unspoken words, it will lessen the effects.  It will never take it away, talking isn't about forgetting, it's about releasing what has been held onto for so long.  I know that's what I would tell someone else, have told other people.  It has to come out, it's killing you holding onto it.  Only one problem, and it's pretty damn major.  We don't have anyone to talk to.  Joy is there, but it's too hard to do it over a computer, typing in a chat programme.  And other than her there isn't anyone else.  Until we can cure this fear of going too far away from the house, we don't even have therapy.  And it's not therapy we are wanting, well not solely therapy.  I don't want to talk about it to fix it, I don't want the person I am talking to to cancel my thoughts and try to put things into perspective for me.  I think what I need is a friend, someone that will just listen, will hold me when I am upset, someone I can scream at, someone that will sit with me through the worst flashback, will keep me safe and listen to all the terrible shit that runs out of my mouth.  As I write this I wonder if that's asking too much, if I am being selfish for wanting that.  It feels wrong, it feels like I am wanting someone to use.

We have talked to a few people lately on the topic of accepting yourself as you are.  Not just saying "oh well that's the way I am" but deeper, true acceptance.  To be able to say, I am who I am, and I love the way I am.  No denying it, no downplaying it, no hiding it.  I am good at that in some areas, getting there in others, and yet in some aspects of my life I am so far away from it it's laughable.  I can stand up proud for being multiple, I can say I am multiple and love it.  I love my community, the people in it.  Even the ones I don't get on with, they are still part of whom I am, the life I live.  My sexuality is another area that I am totally accepting of, even the bizarre bits.  It isn't doing anyone any harm, and it's doing me a lot of good, it makes me happy, I feel no need to hide it from the world.  We are learning to love and accept our body for the way it is.  It's size, it's shape, it's gender.  It is the body we have, and even if some parts might need a little work, it is not something to be ashamed of.  Well that's what I think on a good day, a good day when I can look myself in the mirror, when I can stand being naked, when I enjoy the way it moves and feels.  On a bad day I still wish I could destroy it, still think it makes me a bad person.  I suppose it's a process, there was a time when I felt only negative things about this body, felt it was an abhorrence.  The one thing that there is not acceptance of is being a survivor, for all the talk in this journal and on email groups.  We often say things, speak from that intellectual point of view, about how being a survivor doesn't make you weak, that it doesn't mean you are a victim.  But in my mind, where intellectuality doesn't hold much power there is guilt and shame for being one, and especially one that is struggling. There is a sense that if we aren't together all the time we are failing.  And to have others see us messy, crying, distraught, it just seems like I am bad, making a fool of myself.  I can't accept its a part of me.  I want more, yes, but I know, at least intellectually, that for this moment of time I am a mess.  Just need to be more accepting of that.  I believe you have to accept your pain before you can move through it.  Just need to learn how to do that.

I know now, that the way out of this place I am is to let it out, I need to talk about  all the horrible things in our head, all the memories, all the evilness.  I need to sit down and as many times as possible just talk it, cry it, scream it.  I don't have many opportunities, so I will have to ring my therapist on Monday and find a way to see her, find some way of being able to get down there without falling to pieces.  It isn't enough, I wish for someone, a friend to be there and listen, but that's not happening, so I will make the most of what I have got.  I will search out and use any opportunity that I can find.  I am terrified of speaking of this, but not as terrified as going on like this alone.  Hopefully with each telling the pain will lessen, with each tear wept the grief will subside, and with ever scream the rage will calm.  Nothing can take the past away, heal me without scars, but I am hoping that it will once again make my life calmer, more manageable.

Cry to the Wind.
 
 

Haven't done a journal entry in ages, things have just been too stressed, and concentrating to write out a journal just seemed too difficult, plus I didn't want to go over the same thing yet once again.  So I just didn't bother.  It of course is our choice, but these entries are important for us.  It no longer matters if anyone reads them or not, but rather it means our words, our thoughts, our troubles are out there, we might be alone, no one might read them, but yet some of who we are, and what we are thinking is out in the world.  So I have to resist the urge to just not do one, in a lot of ways its just not doing it tonight, no big deal, and then tonight lasts for weeks.  So even if its just rambling we will once again try to do one every day.

Agoraphobia still playing up, although it's probably not agoraphobia, because phobia's like that generally have a thought pattern with them,   I don't know what this is, it's just the feeling that its not good to be away from the house.  If it was because we thought it wouldn't be safe we could challenge that, but this isn't something to challenge, well not in that way.  But we do have to challenge it as much as possible.  It was really nice that people thought of me enough to bring us food, but we will have to turn them down if they offer again.  Because we need reasons to fight it, we try to just because it's not good to become housebound.  But if you are low of smokes or food, then afraid or not we have to leave, we have to face the outside, away from home.  We are lazy sometimes, it's easier to just not go out.  But we also know it's not healthy or even incredibly healthy to remain shut in.  So we have to fight against not only staying at home, but our own laziness to remain here.  No one said getting better would be easy, but no one also said that it wouldn't require hard work and commitment.  Damn if only it was something that happened rather than something you had to do.

We are thinking about redesigning our website.  Partly because we hope that working on it will inspire us to do some more content.  And also how it is now was our first real attempt and we can see things that look too amateuristic.  Ok no matter what we do we will think that, because we are never satisfied with anything we do, but also because we are amateurs, there isn't much we actually know how to do.  But we could tidy it up, changing backgrounds, rewrite a few things.  What people have written might not change but the library and other areas might need some editing.  It's just not what we are comfortable with, and as I said hopefully it will inspire us to write and add new things.  And if nothing else it will keep me busy, getting rather bored lately.
 
 

What do I want to say, what can I say?  It's been a long day, a day that has brought up pain and hurt, and we don't know what to do with it, we don't know where to put this information.  Listening to Pumpkin talk about our mother, talk about what happened to her.  It doesn't sit well, and yet there is little we can do.  Right now, I don't know how we are coping, maybe it would be better not to cope, better to just fall apart.  Sometimes I wish I could just jump, dive off the edge and never have to feel again.  I know this won't happen, I know that, doesn't stop me wishing for things to stop.  I know the reality is the only way to get a new life, a life that isn't controlled by the past I have to address it, I have to remember and acknowledge the full range of information and emotions.  But fuck I wish it wasn't so devastating.  I am so terrified of talking to my mother the next time she rings, I know I will feel like screaming at her, demanding to know why, demanding some kind of explanation.  She won't have one, shit she probably won't even understand what we are talking about, or at least not acknowledge in any way she understands.  Denial runs deep in our family, and my mother still holds onto hers dearly.   It is the thing that keeps her going, even when so much is falling down around her.  She acknowledges that, says she has nightmares, invasive thoughts, but will never let go of denial enough to acknowledge what those thoughts and memories are.  So we are on our own.  We will never get validation from her or anyone.  Does that make our memories less real, less believable.  There was a time when we thought so, when we thought unless we could get some validation outside of ourselves, or some proof, then everything was in doubt.  But now, even though we know that we could never prove a word of it, that it is all only too real.  And the one thing that helps a lot is this, one we know we aren't lying, I believe that unless you have some psychiatric illness, there is always some knowledge deep down that it isn't true, and we are not saying any of this for a reason, other than getting better for ourselves.  We aren't getting any pay off, we aren't challenging anyone, or demanding any reward for being abused.  We go to therapy, we sit around our house, alone, trying to deal with this.  If it was made up, then it would only be shown when there was some payback, when "acting" like an abused person would get us something, and we get fucking nothing when its 3 am and we are rocking ourselves terrified and hurting.  What happened to us was real, even though there are so many times when we wish we could just discount it all.

On a better note we went window shopping before therapy.  I needed to get out of the house, I needed to keep pushing that, not allowing the fear to take full control.  Ok it was hard, there were a few times when we had to hide out.  Thank the gods for the coffee place, it feels like a second home now, and its downstairs, no world can be seen.  So we hid out there a couple of times, having a coffee and smoke, trying to calm everyone down.  But we managed it for an hour, so that was good.  And we saw some great stuff.  How come that when you are just browsing, when you have absolutely no money, you see stuff that you want, and when on those unusual times you actually go in with money you can't find a damn thing that interests you.  Well if I was rich I would of come home with a heap of packages.  I saw this really great pagan book, actually I think I will save up and get it.  It was only \$25 and there were a couple of other ones, so I have to think about whether to get a couple and put them on layby, paying them off, or risk that it will still be there in a couple of weeks and just save for it.  Sometimes being poor sucks to all hell you know.
 
 

I have been thinking today about justice, or more precisely, the lack of true justice in the world.  Recently there were two trials publicized in New Zealand.  One was of a woman, found guilty for punishing her son by whipping him with a car's fan belt, and a electrical cord.  He had lied about being hungry and she had sent him to pray as she turned this implements into the best type of punishment tools, she took her time to achieve this, and then beat him 'til he died.  At the same time as this case another one was being held, for an ex security guard that planned a Chubb safe robbery, another crime that took some planning but during which no person was harmed.  The security guard was found guilty and received 12 years imprisonment.  The mother, also found guilty received 6 years.  The message, money is more important than a child, it is less a crime to murder your own child, the punishment will be less.  then last week I watched this tabloid type programme about Susan Smith, the woman that drowned her two children then lied about it.  As the show said, if it had been her husband, he would of received the death penalty under the laws of the state the crime was committed, but Susan Smith was a woman and the children's mother.  The community talked about this woman as if she had made some little mistake, had a small accident with her children, saying she should be able to rebuild her life and become a member of society again.  Is that any justice for those children, robbed of their life as they watched their mother walk away.  Where is the justice, where is the payment for these crimes.  Yes both woman have been jailed, but they haven't had to pay, society still views them as good members of society, that just made a mistake.

Why am I thinking of this?  It is simple.  No one has ever had to face up to what they did to us, no one has been brought to justice and made to pay.  Now years later, we are still paying for something we never did, for something we had no choice, for the actions of others.  Whilst there are people in this world that are going about their lives as if nothing ever happened.  I do not believe they give us or their actions a single thought, I do not believe they have had one sleepless night about what they did.  And we, we have to struggle every day, we have nightmares that keep us awake for weeks, we punish ourselves, and we are having to put aside so much just so we can find the strength to live a life that satisfies us.  There are people out there that raped us, that tortured us, that paid our grandparents so they could have sex with us.  All of which is, technically, illegal.  But did one of them have to stand up and be held accountable.  Did they have to defend themselves, and there actions.  No.  They went along with their lives, probably gleeful, and self-righteous.  There is a man, probably still living in my home town, that paid my grandparents \$500 on a regular basis, he would rape us, and as he reached orgasm he would wrap his hands around our neck and squeeze, he wanted to kill us at the point of orgasm.  Every time this happened and we survived, we had to then crawl on the floor and kiss his feet, groveling in thanks for being allowed to live.  Why did I just write that, because this guy, more than likely still lives, probably still doing the same thing, may have his own family, a good job, a house.  His victim, us, now survive, living week to week on a government benefit, find it hard to maintain relationships, hard to trust anyone.  We survived, but we still do not have a life.  Is that justice, is the fact that he got away with this without consequences fair?

Life isn't fair, we know this.  But does that make it ok, does it make it any more bearable because of that pat answer.  There are times when I want to scream, "Its not fair"  I want to rage against everything I have had to live through, and it's only worse because all those people that committed these crimes against us got off scott free.  What would be justice?  I don't know.  I don't want payment, I don't want some reward for being abused.  I don't even think jail time would be that much justice.  At times I wish they all would be put to death.  Severe I know, but they sentenced me to a life worse than death, and the only reason I am alive and having some kind of life is our strength to fight against what they tried to do, the courage to face up to our past, to look it dead in the face and then work to change it.  So yes, there are times when I wish it was possible to watch them being tortured to death.  Maybe that makes me as sick as them, maybe it is another sign of my own unwellness.  But I also know that is more about revenge than justice.  I just don't know what true justice would be, I have never experienced it.  Maybe all I want is a chance to tell these people they hurt me and that isn't acceptable.  To truly get them to understand what that means.  That that hurt just didn't go away, that it had far reaching consequences, and that I didn't deserve any of it, that it wasn't right or allowed to treat someone this way.  Maybe if they could truly understand that, totally absorb what that means, when I could see that in their eyes, then maybe I would feel some justice had occurred.

You hurt me, I deserved better, and it wasn't ok for you to do that.
 
 

Once again, we are focused on our own spirituality and culture.  There has been a lot of talk lately about the whole issue, both in real life, and on email lists.  Our choices in the faith we practice is very important to us.  I believe that a strong spiritual base is one of the keys to our recovery, and to live a life that makes us feel whole.  It gives us strength, a focus for life.  We perform rituals, celebrate holy days and live by the tenets of our faith.  All this would be wonderful, except for one minor issue.  Our faith is totally hidden and unaccepted.  If it wasn't for the all encompassing term of Paganism I would not have any acceptance in this world.  People say the choice of spirituality is a personal thing, that it doesn't matter what others think.  This is true, but religion, for the lack of a better term, the practicing of faith, is incredibly lonely when no one else understands or partakes.  I don't want to covert anyone, but to be able to share holy days with others would be something, would give me something.  I have been with Christians as they celebrate Christmas, with Buddhists as they celebrate their new Year.  These things are a group celebration, I was able to enjoy them, to watch their rituals.  But when it comes to ours we do it alone, knowing that in this world we are the only ones that practice our faith.

I suppose this topic, the religion and culture of Idia, is only an issue because it reflects the broad sense of aloneness in our life.  We live on the outskirts of so many areas.  We are pagans, that aren't a part of broadstream paganism.  We are into BDSM but sit on the outside of those we know in the lifestyle.  We are multiple but never quite fit into the two main streams of multiplicity.  We are a lot of things, and yet we fit no where.  We live on the fringes of life, always different from everyone else, and that's incredibly lonely.  It's hard to hold the different label, to never truly belong anywhere.  I will always be different in a lot of ways, suppose it's time I got use to that.
 
 

I am sitting here crying as I try to write tonight's journal.  I feel so completely alone and rejected tonight.  Why?  I don't really know to be honest, just a build up of feelings, too many experiences so when today I was thrown off a support list I actually thought would be helpful, solely because we identified as Pagan, it just all collapsed around us.  When she first said we had to leave I was ok with that, it was like, this was her list, she could make it Christian only.  But as the day drew on, and I knew I was so alone, then I felt that the whole world had rejected me.  OK I know that is an exaggeration.  But the feeling is there, that we will never be accepted, because we are Pagan, because we are multiple, because we were abused.  Why are we so unacceptable, so unlovable.  I just feel so alone with everything I am dealing with.

We are back to putting a good face on for everyone, acting normal, talking about mundane things without showing the signs of what is really going on.  Oh, I can't handle this, I am off to bed, to hide away and hope for a better day.
 
 

After my pity fest last night, I have received a few emails today, letters of friendship and support.  It amazed me, that people cared enough to take time out of their lives to just send me notes of friendship.  I have heard through the grapevine, that the woman that asked me to leave her list, because I was pagan, has been defending her decision with the rest of the list.  Mostly I don't think this is very fair, if you make a list you should be able to decide what kind of people take part in it.  But I just don't get this closed mindness of some Christians.  I really wonder if its only a Christian thing, or whether I have just not heard it from others.  The whole philosophy that there is only one path, only one truth.  That anyone finding another path, another faith is delusional or evil.  I remembered reading someone that God doesn't mind what you call him.  Ok so I don't believe personally in one god, but I do have my faith, I live by certain spiritual rules.  There are three main rules in our faith.  One: be true to thyself as long as you do no harm.  Two: All you send our returns to you threefold.  And three: Do as you wish done to you.  Are these rules so abhorrent, or is it that I believe in Gods other than Jesus Christ.  Do we have to all conform to be accepted.

Our masks are back on, I think I wrote that last night, can't remember it wasn't a good night.  But I have still to work out whether this is a good thing or not.  It means we can be around others and behave more socially acceptable.  But it also means that our pain is once again hidden inside.  Why is it so difficult for us to release this out to the world.  Why are we still so ashamed of our turmoil and hurt.  I wish I knew, I wish I could say I am feeling like shit when someone asks how I am.  It is not weak to be in pain.  In fact it takes a lot of strength to let that pain out into the world.  I get so tired of survivors being put down because they choose to face it.  It is becoming in with some multiples a thing of shame to have abuse in your past, survivors are, in my opinion being forced back into the closet.  It is almost a sigh of being worthless again.  Yes, many survivors moved away from victimhood, the word survivor came because people did not want to be attached to the whole victim thing.  They did not want to be seen as someone going through life letting people and things happen to them, taking no responsibility for their life or recovery.  Maybe so many people have been calling themselves survivors but staying as victims and that has caused this latest backlash.  But it makes it harder now for people that see themselves as survivors that are trying to push their way through recovery, that are fighting to reclaim their lives, to find acceptance and support.

This Journal has been written in installments, so we are jumping around a bit.  Anyway I am so glad that the Shire has finally been able to accept the validity of their faith in this world.  We are celebrating our rituals and holy days in this world as well as in our own, and finally there is an agreement to create an altar in our home.  Can't wait to go hunting for the things that are needed.  To spend time finding the objects, to create not one an altar but a faith chest.  It is kind of exciting in one aspect, to bring this forth, to make it as real a part of our life here, as everything else we are.  But there is also a feeling of calmness, and strength.  Our spirituality is a part of our life, and our faith has been a strong influence in our recovery.  And now, that the majority of Shire accepts that validity, we can incorporate it more in this world, pulling on the strength it has to get us through the rough times, to give us a stronger sense of community and connection.  Yes, I am excited, and hopeful about this.  I actually believe the problems caused by recently identifying as Pagan has actually had benefits.  When forced to defend your choices, there are usually two results, if it isn't a strong decision, if it isn't something that you value, it soon just drops away.  But if, like this has been, it is something you value and honour, something good in your life, being prejudiced against because of it, can actually build it, strength it, and make it something more important for you.
 
 

Well today has been pretty good all things considered.  I opened up my own email group, actually I did it a few days ago, and today I had three people join and start to use it.  I am feeling very hopeful, that it will grow and become the sort of list I hope it will be.  It's funny I just created it because I was bored one night, and had nothing better to do so thought I would see how easy it was.  Actually it was very easy.  And now there are four people in it, so that's a start.  I will write at least once a day to it, just to keep the volume up, maybe more people will be attracted to it.  I am feeling better about the other groups I am in now, the email ones.   They feel safe, and welcoming.  So the upsets over the last few days about events has lessened, we have licked our wounds and are continuing on.  I realise that we are addicted to email.  I think because it's our main source of interaction and support.  Through email we have people to talk to about the issues in our life, and we find our sense of community.  Part of me thinks it's kinda pathetic that I interact more online than I do in real life.  But I suppose that internet interactions are better than no interaction at all.

I really have to do some serious work on this site over the next few days.  Hardly anything new added for March.  And now with this updates email we feel we should have at least a couple of things to tell people that are new on the list.  I would like to get the notmpd and the bdsm pages up, a few more residents pages, and maybe start on the temple.  We also what to redesign this site, part of the delay in that is we want a certain type of background.   White page with two columns framing it.  But I don't think that I will find it so we will have to think of another layout.  It's just us being finicky about it, wanting it to look the best.  The main entry pages don't look that good to us.  We seem to be heading to borders, and brown and grey pages.  Will spend a day soon searching the background sites.  Maybe we will get some inspiration.  And I know that the updates thing will motivate us into getting the pages done and loaded.  Pride can be a good thing at times, and we would not feel good if we don't have a number of pages to notify people of.

Made plans to cook an Indian meal next Saturday for 4 friends.  Looking forward to it.  Curries are easy to prepare, since we can do most of the work at home leading up to it, and then just do the simple stuff when we get there.  It works since it is also the official day of the marriage, so it will be a celebration of that, a house warming, and a basic get together and chow down type of event.  Also this Saturday must be close to the Autumn Equinox.  Not sure exactly but I think its about the 20th of March.  I could be wrong, Skye would know better.  But anyway, part of that festival is a feast with friends, so even though those partaking aren't doing it for that reason it helps us feel it has been celebrated.
 
 

I think the cult is trying to access us again.  It's probably the build up to Easter.  So far things seem stable and there isn't a fear that they will get through.  It's little things, we have had a few strange messages on the answering phone, that feeling of being watched, and other out of the ordinary stuff.  Of course part of this could be paranoia.  Easter gets us anxious anyway, and added onto that the apprehension of all the threes this year, our awareness is high and we are on edge noticing every little thing.  We have done a lot of work on preventing recontact, and deprogramming the open door stuff.  I don't feel that worried, it's just hard knowing this is a part of our lives.  The cult seem intent on not just letting us go.  That's probably part of the role I was being groomed for.  But still, you think they would learn.  I was told once that after enough times of not giving in to them, they will give up, not wanting others to know that their will isn't unbeatable.  But I don't think we have consistently been able to not return.  So that's probably why they turn up still.  Hopefully after a few more times they will finally give up.  But the thing is, no matter how free we become from them, when or if they give up, there is always going to be that knowledge, that this was such a strong part of my past.  We will always have to know they had us, tortured us, abused us.  There will always be a part of me that is looking over my shoulder, waiting for them to turn up.

I hate being an abusive survivor.  Not so much that the abuse happened, but rather that my whole life has been changed by it.  Everything is such a struggle.  I sometimes don't know whether it is me or my abuse thinking.  I have to question every reaction, trying to work out what it means.  I have to constantly be aware of my actions, wonder where they are coming from.  I can't just sit back and remain sick, so instead, I have to fight constantly.  Fight for what is normal for most other people.  I feel so screwed up at times like my whole life is just one big abuse symptom.  I want to be normal.  To have this ordinary boring life.  Not to worry about cults, about flashbacks, about reworking my thinking.  It just gets so tiring.  I hate being different.  I hate being the odd one amongst everyone.  This is the thing, I see all my faults, all my disorders.  It makes me odd, it makes me stand out because of my differences.  So I live on the fringes, not letting anyone in close enough to see this.  I hide in plain view, there but never real.  This is the thing, I keep everyone away so they can't see how screwed up I am, which in turn makes me more obviously screwed up.  I am so afraid of being sick, that it actually has kept me sick.

Man, you know,, some nights I feel like a complete nutcase.
 
 

Lady of Darkness, Guardian of the Moon, Goddess of Creation and Destruction we greet Thee.

Lord of Light, Guardian of the Sun, God of Strength and Passion we greet Thee

As the circle moves to the end, we give  praise for the gifts You have bestowed on us.
 

I thank You for Your guidance, protection and love

I thank You for the love of our partner, her acceptance of us, and her support, her place in our lives, and the joy she brings us.

I thank you for being able to feel love for another person, to open myself up to another of our souls and allow her to reside there, feeling safe with her in our lives.

I thank You for the friendships we have found, peoples support and acceptance, for the times when we don't feel so alone.

I thank You for the strength to face the past, that instead of running, we can now stand in the midst of it, so one day we can walk out the other side.

I thank You for the companionship of our cat, her brightness, her comfort, the softness of her fur against our skin, the smiles she gives us.

I thank You for the year of life, another year more than we were suppose to have, another year you have blessed us with.

I thank You for the courage to speak, to say the words of our truth, to risk everything and feel the rewards of saying those words.  Through letters, therapy and our website we are finally breaking the silence.

Of the magic forged by Moon and Sun.  Of the magic that runs through the world.  I give Thee thanks for these blessings and I honour Your words and Your ways.  My Lady and Lord go well, and in our hearts you dwell.
 
 

Didn't do a journal last night, things were just too stressful, it became impossible to remain on task for long enough to write something even semi coherent.  We had an awful flashback on Tuesday night, and that hung around, the feeling of guilt and shame.  I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because of the guilt, and I didn't want to see the horror in other people, or risk being rejected so we struggled through the night and the next day.  The gratitude ceremony that was done seemed so false, we don't feel so grateful at the moment, and it felt like a lie.  I hate that, something so important to us, to be tainted by our life.  But on the good side doing it, and sending it into our list was such a validation.  There was a lot of sadness here about how we have been treated lately because of our choice in spirituality.  We did not start thinking it was wrong, but wondered if it should of remained hidden.  That in itself upset and angered us.  Other religions don't have to be hidden away.  People can speak openly about their faith.  So why can't we?   So we did and it made us feel so good, so validated.  Not by the outside, there wasn't any outside validation.  But we didn't need that, what we needed was that feeling, that this faith is good for us, that it makes us feel strong and happy.  And as it turned out, that is all we needed to feel, for now, two days after the celebration we are feeling comfortable and safe in our faith.

I don't know how we do it, how we can be around people and act so normal, so together that they have no idea that we are falling apart.  How can we be doing this?  When everything is falling apart, when we are barely holding on by the skin of our teeth how can we go around as if everything is normal.  Ok there are signs, our hand is covered with wounds.  But people don't seem to notice that, that they can just look past it.  But for the majority we look so together, there is no indication that we aren't handling things.  I don't know how we do it, how we can be suicidal and not show any of that.  We spend our life at the moment trying to just keep things together, but all we can do is curl up in a ball and cry.  This is the thing, that no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much we ache to have it over with, we know it never will be.  That even being suicidal like this, we will keep coping, keep surviving.  Sometimes though I just wish that someone would see, or remember, or care enough to ask me to talk to them.
 

How was my day?  Hot and stinky.  I don't know how people that live in hot countries do it, but today has been spent cooking, making curries, relishes, and cheesecake.  I stink of spices.  And now we are worried we haven't cooked enough.  That there should be more curry to feed everyone.  I don't know, maybe I am just panicking, I hate to think that they will still be hungry when they finish dinner.  Ok so maybe everyone is right and I am a bit of a mother hen.  But I like to take care of people, and feeding them is always a good standby.  Feed people and they are happy, and as a bonus I get to cook, to experiment and create.  So smelly or not I have been enjoying myself.  Just need to stop panicking over quantities.  Oh great, just over processed the Dhall, now its more like soup.  Man what was I thinking.  Ok I have to stop doing this to myself, picking holes in everything I do, concentrating on every little mistake and beating myself up over it.  I know why I do it, but you would of thought with the amount of therapy we have had I would no longer be continuing the pattern my mother set up in my head, I would no longer be playing her game of destroying anything good that I am proud of.  I am a good cook, I enjoy cooking.  Why do I have to destroy that feeling, why do I have to make even the slightest mistake a disaster.  I don't know, but I know I need to stop thinking this about the meal on Saturday, I can't ring people and cancel it now, no matter how much I am wanting to at this moment.

Don't know how tomorrow will go.  Kat is being taken away after leaving Joy at night.  She is in seclusion because she can't keep up the pace anymore.  So tomorrow, we are all going to have to fake being her, to various degrees.  It probably won't be all that noticeable unless the talk is about bdsm, but then we can just fake that or go quiet.  It won't be too hard, after all we are use to faking it.  A lot of the time people will think they are talking to one person, for a long period of time.  No matter how many times we say our system doesn't work with one person out for long periods, they still wish to believe that this is happening.  And we just don't draw their attention to it.  So we will hide behind Kat's name tomorrow night, and everything should go smoothly.  Yes there is some hostility about that, and there's always that feeling that people think of Kat as the real person, and we are all just those other people, the ones that aren't real, and can be fun to know, but a pain when they come out too often.  Maybe I am just bitter, I use to have more of a life.  I know the hiatus was because I burnt out, but I am getting better now.  Maybe when school starts next semester and I get into that again I will feel better about things.
 
 

We haven't done a journal for some time now.  Basically things got too bad, too screwy to write.  Things have been irritating us, but we haven't had the words to express them, and those we do have words for we don't want to speak about because of a fear of looking selfish and self-important.  I got so angry recently, that no matter what I do, no matter how bad things get for me there will be no help.  I know my therapist does the best she can do.  And I know the support available is so very limited here.  But when my neighbour, struggling with running into her old boyfriends cuts herself, and is giving temporary hospitalisation.   Now I know this person, and I know she was really struggling, she also tried hard not to get to the place where she couldn't cope.  My annoyance isn't at her, it is at the fact that I am in the same situation, that we aren't coping with all the memories, that our self harm is increasing and we are barely holding it together.  We have been crying out for help now for a while, telling people we aren't dealing with it, that we aren't coping.  But people choose to ignore that, they like to believe that we will be ok.  Maybe it's because we won't take a knife to our body, maybe it's because our shit is too intense for people to accept it's reality.  I don't know.  But the message once again is you don't count.  It doesn't matter how hard things are for you, you won't be helped.  I personally hate feeling this needy, but the reality is now, we are needy.  We are losing this battle I can feel that.  The urge to increase our self harm is growing.  The picking we are doing now just isn't enough anymore.  We can't take care of the basics, like cleaning and eating.  We are just not handling life.  So we cry out for help but everyone just turns away.

But I live somewhere where hospitalisation is about holding someone, there is no support or therapy involved.  You are put into hospital and other than being told to go on medication there is no help.  So even though I am screaming out for someone to take my pain seriously, I also know that there is no real help out there.  What would hospital mean.  I would be even more alone, I would be away from our cat, our computer.  I would have no contact with anyone and on top of that I would have to hide my pain even more.  People, staff, don't understand it.  They see my behaviour as disruptive and sometimes psychotic.  They will not deal with the fact we are multiple, they just don't want to see that there  is more than one person here, with different ways of being.  So normal multiple behaviour is frowned upon, and distress behaviour is classed as psychosis.  Then on top of that I have seen the reaction of others when I go into flashback, when I talk about it.  The horror from nurses, their inability to be around me only adds to the shame we feel.  We end up pushing it down, acting normal til we can be discharged and get home to fall to pieces.  So really what will it achieve, a delaying of the inevitable, and probably an increase in the distress and shame.  There is no help, no support.  In a town of over 150 000 there is one survivors group, for women that have been abused.  I have asked to join, and was told being multiple I would disrupt and hinder the recovery of others.  I used to go, before any awareness or cooperation existed within the community.  At that time we were totally disruptive, having no idea what was being talked about, triggered all over the place, we would run at the slightest feeling.  But then we were acceptable, because we said we were one.  Suddenly because we come out as multiple we are less acceptable, regardless of being more healthy and having more understanding.  That is just too much,  why does it keep feeling like we are being punished for surviving.