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1-June-01
June 01-06-01 03-06-01
04-06-01 05-06-01
06-06-01 08-06-01
09-06-01
Therapy is coming around again. I don't know if it's a good idea that we continue, she is just irritating us right now. It really feels like we are somehow doing it wrong, not being a good client with her. This is something that will have to be brought to tonight's meeting. Where we will discuss our options, whether remaining in therapy right now is a good idea. We all know we need therapy, and yet when we go down there the time is wasted with feelings of frustration and not being heard. BlackWing was out last therapy session and once again he was shut down, mostly because he was being obstructive. He has a tendency to do that, not so much on purpose but in his inability to back down. But he was right about something, therapy can't just be done with the people that are already on board. I mean, that's basically preaching to the converted anyway. Yes those people are good to talk to, and since they agree and don't have issues with the work it also makes for a stressless session. But therapy, I thought at least was teaching those that were stuck in cognitive distortions and in the past, that there is a new way of looking at things, a new way to think and interact. But if they get shut down, asked to switch out because they aren't playing the game then they will never learn anything. I am beginning to wonder if we have to do all the work ourselves. It seems to me that Alison is unwilling to deal with anyone that is even slightly confrontational, maybe they are just too obnoxious for her. Funny thing, lately I have been thinking a lot about someone I use to
know. She said she was multiple, although I have my doubts about
that. She was very manipulative, and had no respect for other peoples
boundaries. She really hurt us, basically she used us up and spat
us out. We haven't heard from her for over 3 years. I am wondering
why we are thinking about her now, after so long. Wonder if it's because
Mouse is once again becoming friends with another child self in someone
else's system. That's how it started with this other person, and
Mouse and the rest of us got hurt by that. I don't believe the same
thing will happen this time, in fact I am sure it won't but it does bring
up those memories for us all. Mouse used to be so caring, so open,
but since this happened, and since a few other things she is more reserved,
ok not as reserved as others, Mouse is still Mouse. But that is probably
why we are thinking about this person again. It's just weird really,
after so long. It could be also that our friendships are developing
again, and we are truly thinking of trusting other people. We don't
want to get hurt, and that is scary, but we are letting people in.
Letting people be witness to us. There are fears there though, that
we will chase people away, that we will not look distressed enough, that
we will look too distressed, that something that is too much will come
out of our mouth. Just so many fears, and knowing we have been hurt
in the past too many times, stepping back out into the open is a dangerous
thing. Top of Page
Didn't write a journal last night, got home far too late and my head wasn't in the mood to sit down and write. So an update. Now I know we were getting tired with our routine of suffering, and we had been saying we wanted something different. Well we got that. Late Thursday night/ Friday morning we went off to be, exhausted as per usual Then our toothache came back with a vengence. It was really bad and we didn't have any pain relief in the house, we had thought about buying some that day, but we forgot. So anyway, lying there, our tooth hurting like all hell, and knowing we would never sleep like this, we resigned ourselves for a long night. But I think the constant pain in our jaw was the perverbial last straw, and we starting getting upset. Nothing unusal in that, we get upset all the time, we hate it, but we also have always lived in fear of "falling to pieces" We never really knew what that meant until that night. It started with someone repeating "we can't keep doing this" over and over, and from there it disintergrated to a totally out of control meltdown. We became hysterical, and disorientated, at one point someone managed to get the body to start screaming, this is something we have never been able to do, not in reaction to bad stuff, and not in fun, but that night we were screaming alot. No one really remembers the whole thing, just bits and pieces. We were incoherent for most of it. After about 2-3 hours of this, our neighbour intervened, and it took her at least another 40 minutes before she could get us calm enough for us to respond to her, to speak words instead of gargled noises. What we are aware of is the screaming, being incoherent,and this feeling of multiple memories bombarding us. We have always been so scared of this happening, and now we know why, it was horrendous and there is no guarantee it won't happen again. We are off soon, waiting for friends to pick us up and take us down
to their farm. We don't know how that will go. A little concerned
that the same thing will happen as did last night, and whether we will
be normal enough. Still so ashamed at the idea of going into flashback
or getting emotional in front of people. But will have to wait and
see what happens. These are really good people, they have showed
us a lot of support and understanding over the last few weeks, and I know
we can trust them, but we are worried we will be too weird, too upset and
ruin it all. We have let our wall down a little with them,
even though our previous attempts at friendships with others have back
fired, and of course we are worried this will happen again, that we will
get hurt. But we are willing to trust them, and so far they have
not only proven worthy of that trust, but showing that they can be trusted
with more. Still we are trapped down there, and knowing we can't
just disappear if we get overwhelmed. I don't know just nervous.
Top of Page
Visiting the farm, and they took us around the farm. The kids are in heaven, and they have decided to write the journal entry this week. Day on the Farm
We got to play in the mud stomp stomp mud slusing ont he gumboots it was stinky cos it had cow poos and wees in it. poo it smelled bad and it looked just like running poos too yellowly and slimey. But it was fun jumping in it hearing it go squish. Then we seed the cows, no they called bulls Shelli sayed they are bulls not cows. Ok we seed the bulls. One was big and had curly hair on its head. That one was scary yes yes yes no like that one he might of stomped us over yes he might cos he so big and mean looking. But Shelli keeped us safe she so nice. We watched her feeding a littler one hay. He had this big ring in his nose. Shelli asked if we wanted to five him some but we got scared he might of chewed our hand off. but I wanted to feed him, no no feeding he might be to scary. We then went to the place to where cows come and get milk taken out. Shelli told us about how the milk place works that was my favourit bit. Learning how the cows come in and where they stand. Then she showed where the milk went through the pipe and what happen to it. They get a lot of milk it fills a big vat. I wished I could of saw the cows being milked but they not doing that right now. But I don't know if I would like to stand in that middle part down low between the cows. they might shit on you. I thought they might kick you but theres this thing called a kick bar so they can't. Maybe next time we come we can watch them milking. Then I watched Steve he was riding on tractor. It was big and
red and made growly tractor noise. Then he drove in near and it went
over a step thing. The big tire went mush into mud it was ugly smelly
it smelled of poos, but that ok cos he stopped it very close.
I got to look at it and then they did let me climb on. I sat on the
seat and bounce on the seat. When I was allowed to climb on they
say I could touch anything but these special levers, I played with the
steering wheel but mostly I just look. But then steve he say I could
push the lever thing. It make the shovel thing move down. I
made it move all the way to the ground all by myself. I used it and
did it it so much fun. Then I jumped off right into the smelly mud.
Top of Page
Got home from our friends farm, jumped on the computer said hello to Joy, then headed off down to therapy. From there everything when to hell. We got in and had a short discussion about our holiday, then our therapist brought up how little memory exposure sessions we have had. 5 in 5 months. We were suppose to do one a fortnight, so have only done half the amount as we were suppose to. The session went downhill from there, we felt unacceptable and rejected, there was a strong feeling we were not doing the work she expected of us, not getting better fast enough. Finally we came to our decision, we would be best to leave therapy. We told her that, and she seemed ok with it. She said she would make any appointment for us in a months time in case we wanted to come back, but we didn't see the point in that. She said we had Safe Passages to Healing if we needed support. Yep it's a great book, but it's hardly support. We had a 2 hour session, but after an hour we said goodbye to our therapist and left. She seems perfectly ok with this, I don't get it, I mean I want to stop, but there is a lot of fear in that, we have no support now, no professional support and guidance. Suppose it was bound to happen, but it's still scary. So we left, no good bye, no good luck, just left. And we walked out, it seemed ok, until we got to the stairs, then someone whispered inside, "at least the kids got to have one last fun time" and the body collapsed under us until we were sitting on the stairs. We thought it was over, that we would go off to the cliff and jump. What was the point, we were even abandoned by our therapist. We would never get any better, would never get a grip on our past. Why carry on? We were sitting there ready to go off and kill ourselves, when our neighbour came up the stairs, she was coming to see someone and just ran into us. We had to get it under control, had to respond to her normally, or she would know what we were up to. But the way we did that was to push the desire to end it all down, and so we were able to be normal with her, and then just go home. The suicide feelings are there, but we are pushing them down again, we don't deserve to die. We will just continue living like this, without hope or direction, just survive each day. What a life we have here. No future, no peace. This is all just a shambles. What do we do now, how do we cope with this and not just lose it completely.
We are so scared. I mean I know it was our decision, we weren't thrown
out of therapy. It is a decision we made, sometimes it feels the
best thing, other times it is just so scary. We have lost our support
system, our therapy. It was only 3 hours a week all up and we coped
all the other times of the week, so we should be ok. And yet I know
I needed therapy, I needed that support, that guidance, somewhere safe
to take all my stuff to. I can't afford private therapy, and even
if I could find a way, finding another therapist that we could trust, that
would understand all the issues, its just insummountable. Don't believe
we could do that. It would be hard enough finding someone when we
weren't in crisis. This, well this is impossible. We have left,
we might as well get use to how things are now. Top
of Page
What can I say? Everything has gone to hell. We are so alone, so hopeless right now. We are shutting down again, closing ourselves away from the world. When our hope for a life we have fought so long for just disappears it is hard to keep trying, to keep being positive. There is nothing positive left, there is no hope now for anything to change. We will continue on as we were, without hope, without direction. Our only hope left is we can go backwards enough, return to a life of denial and dissociation, that is the only way we can survive this, the only way we will be able to keep ourselves going. We can't continue to live like we are now, with flashbacks and memories crowding in on us. I still don't get what Alison was thinking when she agreed to let us leave, when she said it was ok. Last week everyone was worried about me coping with it and wanting more support, now it's ok with everyone I don't need support. Karen must of freaked out after our phone call. We had agreed to see her on Saturday, but instead she sent pysch services up to assess us. It was so funny, in a dark humour type of way. Knowing I can still con them, that I can still do the "normal" thing so well. I got so intellectual, diverting their attention away from the difficult questions, speaking in half truths and answering without actually saying anything. I am sure they left thinking we were doing just fine. But that is what had to happen. We can't go into hospital, it wouldn't do us any good and it wouldn't achieve anything. It's been a long time since I have had a committal assessment, I know I am annoyed at Karen, but yet, well this tiny part of me feels good someone notices how bad this is for us, it's such a bad thing for us to be doing. But we don't have any choice, how can we be in therapy with someone that doesn't think we are doing the work, that sees us as being failures because we can't meet her standards. Fuck like to see her living through this and meeting her own standards. I can't kill myself. It just isn't allowed. Others would
be upset if we did. And they count, we don't. So now I am just
stuck, with a life of pain, and no escape. How I wish to be able
to just die, to give up and have the strength to end it all. But
that isn't going to happen. Top of Page
Well I have started my bdsm site, quite happy with it so far, even though there is only 1 essay up on it. But it's a start and something to work on. Will have to be careful not to neglect this site though. New things tend to be more motivating, more exciting. Will tell Joy today it's up, so she can work on things to add to it. It's a joint effort and hopefully something that will add to our relationship. Of course it might be easier to work on when she's here, but still she can send me stuff and I can upload it. The freespeech site never got back to me so I added it to 50megs. Don't know if it falls under their anti pornography condition, its not like there is details of sex or naked pictures on it. As if!!! Karen is coming tomorrow. We are so confused over this. We don't know what we really want to happen. Everyone knows we can't be without some type of therapy and support, but at the same time we don't believe Alison is willing to work with us anymore. I know part of me aches for Karen to find a solution for me, but that is me being stuck in victim mode right now. I want someone to come and make this alright, to somehow make it ok again. I have things I want to say, things I will say. About how I have no hope for the future now, how abandoned and hurt we are feeling by Alison's actions, about Karen getting pysch services to assess me when I gave her a guarantee to see her tomorrow. But still I hope that there is something that will happen to make all this ok again. I am so terrified about where my life has turned, about no feeling of hope left, no hope for recovery. People say not to give up the support Karen can give, even if I don't have therapy. But they don't seem to get it, that seeing her will only add to my feeling of hopelessness. It is like Karen will remind me of a future I once hoped for, and now can't have. She will remind me of my dream of doing the work in therapy, with a therapist that cares for me and my journey. I don't know if I can handle that, I don't know if I can cope always being reminded. My only real hope now lies in giving up on the dream of getting better, of regaining my life. The last few days, we have wondered if it wasn't a good thing we stopped
the suicide plan, that when we left Alison's office on Tuesday it wouldn't
of been better to just die. We didn't we carried on. But still
what kind of life have we committed ourselves to live. I don't really
believe we can go backwards, so this leaves us in a place haunted by our
past, having to relive it, feel the pain, feel totally alone and overwhelmed
by it. Why? I wish I could understand why my life sucks so
much. Top of Page
After Karen insisting I saw her today, and people in my life convincing me to talk to her, to swallow my pride and my hurt and see if I can find another solution, she never turned up. We waited all day getting more angry as the day drew to a close. We had checked our messages through the day incase something had gone wrong and we had heard nothing from her. As we sat bitching to Joy about this, someone inside said we should at least make sure she had been working that day, so we rang the hospital to confirm it. This resulted in Karen ringing us back, we spoke to her on the phone, she thought I wouldn't of wanted to see her. Funny how orginally, when we gave a guarantee to see her she still felt it necessary to give us a committal assessment, and yet it was ok to just leave me. We got very angry and distressed on the phone. We said a few hard truths to her, and was very upset. But she got us to agree to see her tomorrow. I don't know if it will work. We had to bury all the hurt and pride to do it today and we ended up getting hurt more, so now we have to push that hurt down with the others. I can't believe that if I hadn't gotten concerned I was overreacting, that there wasn't a simple explanation, I would of had no contact, I would of been left, forgotten about. I mean, haven't they been listening, we have been screaming out that we are not coping, it was just last week that we totally lost control, they know that. Fuck Karen had said she wanted to talk to us every day that week, although it didn't happen. But now, because we aren't doing enough work, that we aren't getting better quick enough, we can just be thrown out. We told Karen the truth, that we will definitely be safe til Tuesday, but after then who knows. I don't mean that Wednesday we will go jump off the cliff, but what I mean is that we can't be safe, that we can't guarantee anything after then. We don't believe we can move backwards, and we are also pretty damn certain that we can't live like we are. It's not like just because we have left therapy that all the shit will just majically disappear. What do people expect, that we just carry on living with our lives tortured and out of control. We can't live like this, and we can't get better without outside help. We need guidance and direction, we need support and comfort. We don't need to be left alone to deal with this. But shit that's what people think, they think we are so damn strong, that we don't want to work to get better. We have been working our butt off in therapy, and it's been hard. So now we are alone again, left to suffer and basically because someone decided we weren't meeting their expectations of us. I can't keep this up, we will just find a dark hole curl up in it, never coming out, never feeling or thinking again. I can't see this getting any better, I know suicide isn't the answer, but there isn't a place here for me like this, I am not going to live forever with this pain, it isn't worth it. I am getting to a place where everyone else's need for me to stay alive just isn't enough to keep me alive. It is getting to a place where other people can just go to hell, we are tired of just living, of suffering totally alone. Do they really think my safety is worth my pain. I don't know what good will come from tomorrow. I don;t think
there is really anywhere else for me to turn. It is obvious that
Alison doesn't want to see me anymore, she didn't even have the balls to
ring me, instead passed the job on to someone else. I don't know
what else is left. Not like there is another therapist I can afford,
or someone else to take over from Alison. But I need to find a place,
I need something to give me some hope, otherwise.. well we won't make it.
Top of Page
First, and of course most important, we have snow. Woke up this morning to a thick layer of it, and it has snowed on and off for most of the day, sometimes quiet heavily. It looks so pretty out the window and it's all terribly exciting. I walked to the store a while ago because I ran out of cigerette papers, that was lovely until the hail came down on the way back. Have to admit that was just majorily unpleasant. The annoying thing was that the police were stopping all traffic heading up stuart street, so that meant Karen couldn't make it. But we did manange to talk on the phone. I let her know quite clearly that being out of therapy was not something I wanted, that I didn't leave because I felt like it was my time to go, I left because I felt that I wasn't accepted anymore. I discussed my issues with therapy then I got a little upset, explaining to her that there is no way we can survive in this place. She actually agreed with that, understanding what I was feeling. I also tried to explain that right now we are really sick, we can't be expected to carry all the responsibility. It isn't like we want to give up all control and be taken care of, but we feel that she and Alison should see that we are so unwell at the moment that we need someone to support us in this, that sometimes we need someone to have the control, that although we have the control over our lives, there are times when we are sick that we need to look to someone else to keep us together. Are we so damn strong that people expect us to always be in control, to always know what we are doing, and always able to handle everything. Is it so wrong to speak out, to say we need help, to ask for someone to take a temporary but more active role in our recovery. So Karen did take the incentive, she said it was the best thing that
I come down to see Alison on Tuesday. That some solution will have
to be found. She will be there, but it still feels like it will be
them against us, that we will be ganged up upon. Karen said I could
bring someone but that's not really an option, since there isn't really
anyone available. So we will have to go in and see what can be done.
Karen wants us to focus on what can be done in the future, rather than
the hurt of the last few days. Personally I don't know if that will
work. There is so much hurt, so many feelings mixed up in here that
to bury all that seems highly unbelieveable. And we are also tired
of hiding everything, of pushing it down and doing the I'm fine thing.
We have to do it with everyone else, surely therapy would be the
place where we didn't have to do that anymore. We get so tired to
pretending, pretending to be normal, pretending to be strong, pretending
to be single. It's such a long tiring time. Anyway back to
the day at hand, seems Karen thinks we could reach some understanding with
Alison, but she did mention something about finding a replacement if we
can't. But now it's another 2 days until we find out this solution.
Its been one very long week. Top of Page
Last night, whilst most of us were sleeping someone crept into the Judge's quarters. We had awoke this morning to find her had bled out, that this person had opened his throat and left him there to bleed to death. It wasn't a pretty side the blood had spilled from his body and soaked through the mattress he was sleeping on. Our initial shock turned to disgust when from the assembled crowd one little girl walked forward, slowly so not to slipped on the spilt blood, until she reached him. Trembling softly she poked the body, making sure he was truly dead. She told us that this man, one that held one of the offices of power, a man we all viewed as firm, fair and dignified, had been going to some of the most traumatised children and extremely torturing and abusing them. We still can't truly believe it. But we shouldn't be that surprised, after all, the role models we had growing up were people that would appear to the outside world as decent caring folk, and when no one could observe them do the most sadistic things to us. Why won't some of us follow that model. So someone took the matter into his or her own hands, and killed him. Don't really know what to think of that, But who would judge the Judge. Now we need to find a replacement, not an easy task. The Judge's work load is usually heavy and so we would need someone who was not only fair and impartial but also someone that is willing to give up so much time. The thing this brings up for some of us is how little people know us. Yes, they know the life of the body, the collective us that they interact with. But no one really knows of our other lives, the fuller ones. There is not really one person out there that we confide in about this life we are living, of our history, our lives and the conflicts and interactions that happen regularly. It makes us feel lonely I think, sitting here today, knowing other than this journal there really isn't another person not of Idia, that we could discuss today's events with. About a year ago now, when the plague hit, no one we spoke to about it really got it, that wanted to believe it was an analogy for the hardship we were facing on the outside, they didn't want to, or they couldn't understand it was something separate, something just as real. It feels like no matter how close we get to people there will always be this distance, this area that we can never share. Maybe that's because most of us are still getting over the shame of having such another life, that we think it looks crazy. Maybe as time goes on and our acceptance of it grows we will be more comfortable in sharing it. But I still feel it's all a bit bizarre, and something not many other people would understand. I mean it's not want you hear about, worlds that have their own history, their own culture and activities. Not what you hear about, inner worlds are just landscapes created to house the alters after all, couldn't possibility be as real and detailed as this world. yeah what can I say, feeling bizarre and weird again. I totally accept my multiplicity, the existence of Idia, and the people that inhabit it, but there are times, like today, when I can't help but think it is all so damn weird. Well the day has pasted since we started this, and Celi has been out
cleaning. Well, being obsessive is more to the point. All day
and the kitchen is still only half cleaned. Usually she doesn't get
that bad, but at times of stress she gets caught up in it. Its bad
when its a clean before we die thing, then somehow the act of cleaning
is just deeply saddening, but at times like this, as hard on the body it
is, it's a great distraction, no one else has to deal with the outside
world, she keeps the body busy and we can avoid this world and all the
stresses that are in it at the moment. And being so painfully shy
she avoids all contact whilst cleaning. So all in all, its a helpful
thing, except of course the body will be bitching and moaning about it
tomorrow, but hopefully the kitchen hasn't required a lot of leaning over
type work. Top of Page
Have had a hell of a day. Decided I needed to do something about my toothache. It had lasted too long, and we were taking too many pain killers. So went down to the dental school. I ended up waiting there for about 3 hours before I was seen, only to be told I needed quite intensive work. Seems like I need 2 damaged teeth removed, my last wisdom tooth needs to come out, and an old tooth that mostly cracked out still has a root that needs removed. So they are talking about giving me IV sedation whilst they do oral surgery. Not something that I am looking forward to. They say with the sedation I won't remember anything about it, which of course doesn't mean at the time it won't be horrific. During the assessment, the dentist had metal tools in my mouth, the taste of that along with the feeling of having my mouth held open started flicking images through my mind. Cult memories, still don't have them fully, but mostly it is just flashes of things I don't really understand. Some metal device placed between my lips, attached somehow, forcing my mouth open, holding it open. My mouth held open, stuff being poured in, don't know.. but the taste of metal in my mouth is still freaking us. Doesn't really make a lot of sense right now, but it isn't pleasant, ok so I am minimizing again, it's actually beginning to feel very horrific right now. Then tonight watching tv there was a documentary of a boy hurt in an accident, his screaming got to us, the sound of a young boy in intense pain, it brought more cult memories up, watching some innocent boy being tortured, listening to him scream out, being unable to do anything to help him, feeling afraid and yet grateful it wasn't me this time. Seems to be a cult memory day. Of course under all this we are slipping into distress, we almost lost
it again. Sitting on the couch we got the same feelings that happened
on the Friday we fell apart, the panic, the distress, the growing need
to start screaming. We got through it, we managed to push it all
down, to stay in control. This time. It doesn't help that we
still don't know what is going to happen with therapy, that we still are
unable to find a sense of purpose and hope. The session with Alison
didn't really help matters. I don't know, it just still seemed that
everything was being placed back on us, that it was our issues, our disorders
that were causing the problems. Speaking to her didn't make anything
clearer. We are suppose to be seeing her again next tuesday, but
still it is all so mixed up. And on top of this is all the issues
that were going on before and now there is this tooth shit to deal with.
Face it life isn't exactly working with me here. We are so tired
of being strong, of finding the strength to keep dealing. Once again
we are back to wondering if life is actually worth all this effort.
All we want is one thing to go right one thing to make it just a little
easier. But instead we have issues and problems bombarding us. Top
of Page
Well been to the dentist, not a good trip, they took a root out of one tooth, found I needed a filling and it seems I have to loose a few teeth. At this rate I will be toothless soon. It's our fault, we get so triggered even by brushing our teeth that we have left them to go bad. And now we are paying for it. The one they fixed today has lessened the pain we are in but there is still a little bit to deal with, but hopefully that will be bearable til they find an appointment for me. They decided to do most of it under general anesthetic, so at least that's one less worry. But I will have to go in and get the filling done next week. The dentist today said I did very well, but she doesn't really get it, I can't become distraught, it just isn't allowed. We were shaking and terrified, we wanted to curl up in a little ball and scream hysterically, but we didn't, we couldn't. We just had to behave, be normal, so we didn't get into trouble. It was be a good girl time. Man that phrase truly sucks, a good girl, that's what we were meant to be, never cry, never show our pain, just be good and behave, let them do whatever they want and not show any signs of distress. We have spent all our lives being a good girl, never showing any sigh of distress. We were terrified today and the most we did was cry a little. Ok so that's probably a good thing, makes us look less crazy. But there comes a time when we want to show that, want it out in the open. Being so in control is terribly isolating and difficult. But we are beginning to wonder what exactly we have to do to get people to see we aren't superwoman, that we aren't coping right now. The thing with Alison seems to have stopped everything, like because we are having therapy issues all the other shit has gone away. And it aint the truth, mostly it's just day after day of the same crap, and we are still alone to deal with it. I will bring this up with Karen tomorrow, but it doesn't really shock me, I must just be easily forgotten. We realised today, when Carla was taking us down to the dentist, we have told people we have been struggling with suicide for the last month, it can be pretty intense at times, this need to just end everything, to give up fighting. A lot of people know that, we have reached out for support, but they all have chosen to ignore it. Ok face it I am just getting terribly bitter. Where is the support I was promised, gone, because we have therapy issues. Why are we left to deal with this alone, well why not we are strong, we are capable. It sounds stupid but tonight I was thinking, if I died would someone notice, would someone go and tell them "what do you expect, she was crying out for your help?" Ok not like I would ever kill myself to make a point. That's just... well..pathetic. But still I am beginning to wonder what I have to do to get someone to notice. I am just getting bitter and angry, a good sign I am exhausted. My tolerance
for other people is paper thin, basically I want to slap some people and
tell them to snap out of it. And yet these people seem to have help
coming out of the woodwork. When I was getting pain killers yesterday,
I saw a old friend, she has anoxeria. But she likes being sick, she
likes the victim helpless mode. She was complaining that the hospital
wanted her to go to the inpatient treatment programme again, that they
were concerned for her, that their help, the visits three times a week,
the twice weekly therapy and the special help she was getting to complete
her university work, was not giving her what she needed to survive.
There I was standing there listening to her "poor me" speech and all I
could think of was my life, and the fact that I have had to do most of
this on my own, and when I do ask for help people react as if I am asking
them to come and rescue me. I am treated like a whinging victim when
I am actually someone trying to regain her life. yeah.. well as I
said bitter and angry. Top of Page
Well its been a while since we have been able to sit down and write
a journal. It has felt like we have been gagged, like anything we
have to say is not allowed to be spoken. So we have shut down, we
gave up trying to speak and returned to invisibility. But we hate
it there, we need to speak, to voice things. We wrote something recently
that says it all.
I think one of the reasons we are so terrified of speaking up is that
we are bursting with things to say, there is so much here, so many things
that we kept quiet for so long that now the pressure is building, and when
we start speaking will we ever stop. Will we know how to be appropriate,
or will it all come flying out regardless of time and place. We also
aren't very good at working out what people will and won't be able to handle.
We tend to think everything we say will be met with derision or scorn,
so we stay quiet, so afraid of not being liked. No that's not it
really, for we live believing we aren't liked, its more... that we worry
people will hurt us, that they will call us stupid, insane, that when we
finally start speaking we won't be believed and listened too.
Will the Colours come back I wonder. Did they really kill each other out of envy and a craving for power. Or did they just leave, abandoning us? No one remains that has true memory of the Colour war, even the watchtower demons only hold rumours of it. What if their motives were not to destroy each other, what if we failed them somehow. The time of the Colours, was outside our time, they existed within the Time, and they could of known what we were to become, did they destroy themselves because we could not handle the beauty of what they were. We see only gloom, and we blame the Colours for that, but was it there doing, did they leave because we refuse to see, to look at beauty and smile, instead of looking and fearing the beauty that we refuse to see. Will we ever be truly ready to see such things, to experience all the Colours could of given us. The fog of Saddness has left the Glade, and it envelopes us, and yet
as we feel its bindings we also feel some hope. This is a journal
entry unlike any other, it speaks of things we keep quiet, it speaks in
a way we never have before. What does that mean for us I wonder?
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