It's been awhile since we have written a journal.  A darkness of loneliness and despair seems to have crept over Idia, and no where seems uneffected by its reachs.  Maybe part of that is the surgery coming, we go under general anaesthetic and we go in alone.  When we return home that day it will be to an empty house, to take care of ourselves.  Joy knows, but no one else does, there is no one we can reach out to for support during that time.  It makes one very aware of the isolated life they live.  But there is a realisation in that, one that speaks of our lack of social skills maybe.  But it has been proven again and again that we are unable to tolerate others, we get irritated at their selfishness, at their closed minds, at their inablity to see beyond themselves and their definitions.  So eventually we pull away, close them out of our lives.  This is a choice we make because we do not like the feelings that are aroused in us, feelings of bitterness, of resentment, and of intolerance.  We find ourselves soon irritated by people we once considered friends.  There was a time when this didn't worry us, we just hid away our feelings and thoughts.  I suppose in a way, it is a sign of our coming wellness, that we no longer wish to swallow down our true selves, or our true feelings.  We are, as yet, still mostly unable to speak of these things, but we are now no longer willing to pretend.

We started another list last night, one that is about our lives in Idia, a place to share, amongst ourselves at the moment, events, thoughts and life in general.  That life, the one we all live in Idia is such an intregal part of who we are and for a long time we have hidden it, kept it some dark secret.  For the moment since we are the only ones on the email list it will just be a chance to talk amongst ourselves.  Even though we have a very cooperative community we only have communication amongst our small groups, so writing emails is a way to share with the whole population.  We all read emails, and some thought it made better sense to write to a list rather than to just emails.  Finally we can just start to bring some light onto this secret, to make it something we no longer have to hide in shame.  We are tired of pretending its just our imagination, that it isn't as real as this world.  So hopefully this email list will at vthe very least give us a place to talk about that life amongst ourselves. Top of Page
 
 

Been wandering around the house most of the night, worried about tomorrow.  Don't want this surgery, know I have to, I mean the pain is intolerable and the teeth need to come out, but still its scary.  I feel stupid too, being worried about such a basic operation.  No one will know, I mean, I will have them out then come home and no one will know what I will be dealing with it.

there is such a sense of burden right now, a sense of doom amongst us all.  we don't really know what we are doing anymore, days merge, a feeling of despair the only constant.

Ran far and deep ran through the trees and deep into the woods.  I was afraid, it felt like I was being chased by something bad, something evil, but at the same time nothing was there, nothing was behind me.  I ran wildly aimlessly needing to get away, I knew I was running from something rather than to something.  When I finally stopped, exhausted, my heart beating in my chest.  I realised I was lost, I had run out of my area of the woods, I was in strange terriorty, The trees were different, bigger, more closed in.  I have never left my area before, never left the safety of my own home.  I was stunned, and scared, trying to catch my breath I turned sharply and my foot when into a small burrow twisting it I slipped and fell down the bank.  My head hurt, and pain shot through my foot.  I gripped it, at first it was all I could think of, that and my stupidity for running, for getting lost.  What if I never found my way back, what if I got lost in the swamps.  All these things, the doom of my situation clouded me and once again I was scared.

It was then that I noticed things were exceptionally quiet, like all movement stopped so no noise could be stopped.  The quietness amazed me out of my own fears and that is when I saw her.  A blue woman, she was bathed in blue light that seemed to make her blonde hair and pale skin washed in the colour.  I don't know who she is, I don't know why I found her, or what her name was.  She just stood there before me, not moving or speaking.  I felt no fear just a curious surprise.  We sat there, me on the ground, and her standing a short distance before me.  It seemed such a long time and then it also seems only a moment past.  Then she held out her hand, and opened it up.  Settled inside was the stone, my stone, I had thrown it away years before, not wanting to be part of anything, not wanting to belong anywhere.  I had thrown off my part of the stone that connects us all, and severed my bond with them.  It was suppose to be gone forever and now she had it.  She didn't say anything just stood there with it.

I turned away from her, I don't know why now, but I couldn't take it back, another I hated my seperation from everyone, I couldn't choose to return.  Not yet, not now.  Maybe knowing it isn't lost forever will be enough for now.  Maybe I will find her again when I feel ready. Top of Page
 
 

Had my teeth removed?  It went well, and there is little pain.  My head was mixed up for a while, and even though I wasn't tired, I couldn't talk much.  I thought I would be totally wiped out, but like normal we managed to keep going.  Good thing really, I hate being sick, and I can't deal with.  Too many times being punished for being unwell, makes it impossible to give myself the time I need to care care of myself.  But it does allow me to keep going.

Our motorbike finally died a couple of days ago.  We will try to get a loan and find a nes bike.  I need transport without it, I will become housebound.  I don't know what it is about buses, but they scare me/us.  I don't know what I am going to do, but I am also worried I won't get the loan, and then everything will fall apart.  And with the loan I am looking at a very long repayment.  God I hate having to struggle all the time.

The depression is really getting bad, and we don't know how to get over it, we look to others for assistance and they don't know either.  It seems we are on our own here, to find the way out of this despair.  I can understand that, it isn't anyone else's despair, they wouldn't know.  But we are getting scared at having to live it all the time, we can feel it taken over, pushing us down.  We are wasting away spiritually, as we continue to suffer. Top of Page
 
 

I hate this feeling.. not quite unwell, but not right either.  My throat hurts, my jaw is swollen and I have this ache that just won't go away.  It feels weird, but not weird enough to worry about.  I hate being unwell... I just want to keep going and ignore it, and am managing mostly, it just irritates me.  Funny I had a pretty big operation, ok just in my mouth, but still, and today we are running around like normal, as if nothing happened.  I wonder how we do it sometimes, not just with this surgery but with life in general.  Why it doesn't swamp us and drag us off somewhere.  But I am grateful that it doesn't.  I know at times it plays into my denial, but I look at others, people I know that let their troubles overwhelm them, keeping them stuck and incapable, I feel sorry for them, but I am glad I aren't like that.  Right now we are struggling on so many levels, we don't know how to move forward, but we won't move back.  I think sometimes suicide for fix it all, would just stop everything, its appealing but it's also not an option, we won't do it, no matter how much we crave it.  We will keep going, keep living this life, fighting to make the most of it, fighting to get the life we crave.  We have to fight, that's the point, we have to fight against the hurt, the disappointments, the programming and abuse.  We fight all the time, but we look forward to the time when we can relax the forces a little and just live for the moment.

Been thinking a lot about leaving the bdsm group again, it doesn't really offer me much.  I am not into casual play, and I don't really get an opportunity to talk about my stuff.  The fact is I feel looked down upon by most people in it.  And although that doesn't worry me anymore, not in wondering whether my way of D/s is wrong.  I don't feel that, but I do find it hard to be so different from the norm.  And it is worse when that norm makes fun of the people outside of it.  I have to wonder if I am the only one there that sees any appeal in the intense D/s or believes it can exist beyond play and sex.   I would hope that some of the people would keep up their contact with me, remain friends.  But I know I have already lost a few friends lately, so who knows.   Recent comments made about Kate's catering have irritated me, and it could be that which is making me think more about leaving.  Yes it pissed some of us off immensely.  But I realise some people are like that.  And they don't really have a clue about how much work we are putting into it, or how much of our own stuff we are using without payment.  I wouldn't volunteer again, but still I know Kate is enjoying herself.  Hope we have enough room in the freezer though. Top of Page
 
 

I am so tired of victims.  I seem to be surrounded by them.  Maybe it's just where I am at the moment in our own recovery, that has made me so aware of other's victimhood.  I know I can act a victim at times, I believe it's basic human nature to wish at times for someone to come and rescue you, to not want to do the hard work yourself.  But I know that now, where I am at, when I hit victim mode I will very quickly pull myself out of it, realise what I am doing and try to work towards my goals.  That doesn't mean my goals are the right goals for everyone, nor do they, necessarily fit into the pattern of health and wellness.  But they are what we want out of life, and therefore right for us.  I believe there is nothing wrong with self pity, self pity is saying that whatever happened or is happening in your life is not right, that you deserve better.  But to me the victim stops there, they don't want to do anything more, whereas a non victim will then, eventually look at whatever it is and say... ok so this isn't right, what do I have to do?  That is where strength and empowerment come from.  Working on yourself, wanting better, knowing you deserve better, and do all that it takes to get better.  But yet, around me I see people sitting in their shit going woe is me.  And my tolerance levels for that are at the bare minimal.  I can't put the effort into support those people.  I don't want to waste my time.  As mean as that might sound it is a waste of my time.   From personal experience, victims suck the energy out of you, they will never feel better because they aren't willing to do it themselves, so no matter what you do, no matter how much time and energy you put into them, they will always have a crisis, a problem, a negativity.  And they enjoy that.  Victims generally like their victimhood, it gives them their sense of identity, fulfills their needs.  I see people, complaining about their life, saying help me, and when people do they get attacked for it, they get their help thrown back at them with anger and disgust.  They don't really want help, they want to be coddled and sympathised with.  They want someone to say, oh you poor thing, you must be hurting so much.  Now there is nothing wrong with wanting that sometimes, we do, we just want to be heard, to have our pain witnessed, but the thing is don't act like you want help, don't cry out for someone to show you the way if you don't want to walk it, be honest about your own needs and desires.  But then that is something most victims can't be... honest.  That would mean looking honestly at themselves.

I am really becoming so anti social.  I don't really want to spend a lot of time with people, especially people I once considered friends.  Maybe it's because those friendship have caused me pain.  Maybe it's because we hoped for something more than what was available.  But I have noticed something, most people who have said they were friends, have claimed to know us, only see a one dimensional projection.  In the past that was as much our doing.  We projected the image we assumed they wanted to see.  But lately we have tried to be more real, more our true selves, and that isn't acceptable to them.  On the good side, it no longer seems to matter.  Although we still crave a feeling of belonging and acceptance, we are no longer as willing to negate our being to get that.  We struggle with our sense of aloneness, but we will not compromise ourselves to get something. Top of Page
 
 

Positive thinking.  I see it so much, this need for people to always see the positive.  To look at someone's pain and find something good to latch onto.  Maybe its a need people have, maybe it stops things getting overwhelming.  I remember years ago, when I told a friend I was suicidal, she said to go look at the flowers, to see the beauty in the world, all the positive things to live for.  But I couldn't, that was what got me in that mess in the first place, ignoring the pain, the anger, the doom and gloom.  Now I know I am a cynical person although I prefer to think of it as realistic rather than cynical, but I find this need to always find the good, to always look on the bright side rather irritating.  I have talked about how desperate I am, how much of a struggle things are and how we just wish to be dead.  Then mentioning suicide said that although every fibre of our being screams out to be dead we can't even manage that.  The response we generally get is how wonderful we are doing to have given up suicide as an option.  No where in there is that we have given up on the idea, but rather the need to be dead is still so strong.  Positivity negates everything else.  It says, at least to us, your pain, your sadness, your despair, not worth mentioning, not of any importance, smile and you will be fine.  Pollyanna syndrome is so rampant in the world.  And all Pollyanna did was push all her hurts and disappointments deep down inside, and when a crisis hit she was unable to deal with it, she didn't have to skills to cope.  So everyone else came over and helped her push that hurt inside too.  Until the whole fucking town turned into a bunch of mindless smiling zombies.  I prefer my cynicism, at least its more real.

My mouth is doing much better today.  I know this is probably one of the stupidest things I have ever said, but the fact my throat is hurting and my face was all swollen seemed to me to be a failing, something wrong I was doing.  Now I have 4 teeth removed, under general anesthetic, and supposedly they were very difficult to remove resulting in a lot of trauma to my mouth.  It would make sense that there would be some side effects to that, that there would be swelling and pain.  But for me the fact I showed any signs was us doing it wrong.  We really believed we should of been able to just get up and carry on as if nothing had happened.  We managed on our own, coming home from the surgery that day to no support, but that wasn't good enough, not fur us anyway.  The fact that we could hardly swallow at all for two days, the fact our face was bruised and swollen, they are things to feel shame and guilt about.  Now I know where this comes from, from the years of being beaten and punished for being sick, from being screamed at for needing medical attention, at our "clumsiness" for spraining our ankle when we were pushed down stairs, and the like.  But we are adults now, well ok most of us are.  Why then are we still believing this shit, why do we still feel like we need to be punished for showing signs of illness.  We will not allow anyone to help us, not allow anyone to see we are sick.  We just can't get our head around that its normal and ok to be sick, to not feel 100% all the time. Top of Page
 
 

This morning we had a meeting, not really an emergency meeting, but one called for a purpose.  Naysayer wanted us to leave an email list we were on, and after a lot of discussion there was a general agreement to do so.  It was a good decision, we weren't feeling part of it or able to contribute but at the same time we felt we got a lot out of it, not so much having friends there, but people we liked, and liked to hear from.  It feels a little sad.  Strange really, as I didn't feel well known on the list, but it still feels like I am missing out on something.  Joined another couple, one more about journalling, might help.  This decision to leave brought up a whole lot of issues, things that have been nagging at us for a while now.  Our inability to truly speak our mind.  We keep our mouths shut, worried so much about what we think and what we say.  I think we are so stuck in the image of good girl, that although we hate it, although we want to be more, we get caught up in the fear that people will think bad of us, will think we are mean or just stupid.  We are so afraid of conflicts and the idea of people seeing the real me, the real us, we aren't all that nice.  We pretend to be, but that is so false.  And the funny thing is we actually don't like being nice, its more a habit.  So in this meeting we made an agreement to be more real, to say what is on our mind more often.  This may cause some shit, don't know.  But the time has come to be real, so what if everyone hates us because of it.  Another side effect of this is to come out of hiding behind the community name.  Don't know why it is so scary for us, we want to be accepted as individuals and yet we hide in the one person/one community thing.

My neighbour is driving us insane.  She seems to have lost all sense of boundaries lately.  I mean, I know she is going through a hard time with things in her life, but I am not just here to support her.  I don't mind being a friend, but recently its felt so one sided.  She doesn't seem to get that sometimes we need our own space.  I think because we were borrowing her tv we didn't feel right sending her away.  But now she has her own tv back and well we can't handle her coming over every day and just sitting watching tv with us.  We aren't flatting with her, we are just neighbours.  Yes I enjoy her company at times, but that should be when I feel like it, not just when she needs someone.  She is so caught up in her shit she can't seem to believe anyone else has any.  Ok so her therapist has screwed her around lately, and she is starting to deal with her rapes, but face it, not like she is the only one that has those problems.  Why does it seem that my issues always have to be pushed into the background.  I suppose that's partly to do with the fact I don't make a big deal over things, I slowly get on with life, working quietly on my issues, I don't draw attention to myself, and therefore people can happy overlook that I too am struggling.  I think we will have to tighten up our boundaries on this one, or she will drain us totally.  We need our own time to heal. Top of Page
 
 

Last night Kira read of a woman stating she would of preferred her daughter to be abused rather than miss out on being there for her funeral.  This seems to of sparked off another bout of her violent outbursts.  After two years of peace she returned to her violence, making sport of hunting and hurting those within her reach.  She rampaged for hours, terrorizing all she could, and in the morning many carried the wounds of her knife attacks.  When Kira first showed herself to the rest of us we knew her only as the evil creature, the attacker that terrorised us for so long.  She was captured by Skye after a vicious attack on a child, and together they worked to control this need to harm and destroy.  Kira never became gentle or nice, but she learnt to control that need.  I don't know why this email set her off more than anything else.  I understand her anger but to give up all the work she did, I don't know.  She raged constantly for about 5 hours last night, but the damage to the community was minimised by it being night and those that slept within houses or underground were safe.  Those that do not sleep or those that sleep out in the woods were at her mercy and she took advantage of that.  She is still out there and occasionally we hear a tortured cry from her, it's scary for we do not know if she will succumb to this again and return to her old ways, or whether somewhere inside her she will find the strength to fight her way back.  With Skye being occupied with her ongoing battle with Chaos we do not know who to turn to her help.

In response to the original trigger for this we wrote an email back to the list, stating our views on this.  We did it to honour our own truth.  Today we got a reply basically seemed to imply that we showed no care in who we triggered.  It seems ok with this list that people can say what they want, as long as it isn't me.  After all there is her grief and therefore that can be acceptable.  To me it isn't, to me I couldn't stand by and let my own feelings not count.  Was I not sympathetic enough, probably not, but I didn't feel sympathy for someone that says such things.  Maybe I have gotten hard, maybe I have lost understanding by the grief and pain of another person.  But I know my own pain, and I know it was great, but I needed to learn more about how to recover from this rather than stay within it.  We were triggered by this, we are dealing with the effects of that.  But we didn't blame her for triggering us, we didn't even blame her for what she said.  We just stated our opinion, and the response indicated that people believe we are cold hearted, that we didn't care about the possible responses to our words.  I am so tired of the I was a victim so I can be mean to others attitude.  We took a long time to write that email, we waited til we were calm, we thought about the consequences and worded it as non offensively as possible.  But it seems unless your response was poor darling, you are meant to keep your mouth shut.  I am so tired of it.  I left one list recently because everyone wanted to score points by hurting others, and now I feel I need to leave another list because unless you give blind support you are mean.  So it seems now I will be leaving this list too.  Maybe I am over reacting, but right now it hurts a lot, and it feels this means there is no place in my life to be true to who I am.  Is that person so bad. Top of Page
 
 

Haven't done a journal for a while, been recovering from my dental surgery and dealing with life.  The motorbike thing is getting to me a little, we need transport, but it will mean we are going to be in debt for a long time.  Spoke to my mother today, she didn't want us to get the bike, said we should just deal with taking buses.  Says the loan is too tough, she didn't like it when we talked back to her, that we said we would take the loan.  She quickly hung up because we weren't playing the game.  We are suppose to agree with everything she says, and provide her with every bit of information she demands.  She still treats us like we are under her control, this body is 33 and yet she still demands that we do everything she says like we are a child still.  I know most parents still do this with a lot of their children and probably it's natural that they react to their children's independence the same way.  But with us there is the fear that grows when we stand up to her.  It's just not done, we aren't meant to challenge her authority and control.    Every time we do it feels so dangerous, like she's going to reach  down the phone and strike us.  Stupid but it's true.  We are so use to her lashing out when she's angry, not even when she's angry at us, but angry at anything she would direct it our way, and being peace keepers we worked for so long to keep her calm that now when we don't it feels like the most risky thing at all.

Found out it's a week to the play party.  I thought it was another week than that.  But I am still planning well, it just means that my budget is all out so I have to slow my pride a little and deal with asking for money rather than just handing in a bill.  I am so annoyed over this catering.  I know Kat supports me and that helps.  But the attitude I got over asking for that flour, combined with everything else.  Well I am going to cater it and that's all.  Will view it as a business, rather than a social thing.  Ok not going to make a profit so its a bad business.  But I will do what is require and then go home, I will not stay and socialise.  And that's part of the point.  People go on about accepting we are multiple, and those same people know Kat can't cook.  But they don't get, or they don't want to get that we are all individuals.  I have no interest in BDSM, will never have an interest in it, I volunteered to cater because I thought it would help, and that I enjoy that thing.  But with their attitude and the inability to see me as a individual then I don't know why I bothered.  So on the down side it's going to cost us a fair bit when we have to get a taxi home from the venue.  But pride is strong.

I sometimes wonder, if people really want to know us as individuals.  Kat spoke to Joy about it today, how they always see her as the "real" person and the rest of us as just pretend people.  They will never think about whether it is Kat, instead they just speak to whoever like it is her.  I know many people have always wanted one person, a stable person to interact with.  That's what happened with me, that's what almost killed a few years ago.  They needed someone to be Shire, and I was it.  The pressure of being out of always being responsible, always been on call drove me crazy, drove me to fall apart.  I burnt out, wasn't able to handle the body at all, and it was only slowly over time that I could come out and function.  But now, even after so long I still can only handle it in short bursts, and then it hurts too much, headaches, dizziness, my mind clouding over.  No one in here will allow that to happen to Kat.  But I kind of understand why people wish it could be like that.  They are more use to dealing with a single person, and they want us to be that way.  So maybe it's better we don't allow anyone close, that we don't develop friendships anymore.  Because when we do, it soon falls into the "I know you are multiple, just don't be multiple" type of thing. Top of Page
 
 

I wonder sometimes why its so hard to fit, why I never find that sense of belonging I ache for.  Is it that we are too weird, or is normal.  I mean does everyone struggle with finding a place to fit in, always feeling like they are on the outside.  I know many people struggle with it, I know belonging is something many people need to feel.  And I know, looking in from the outside it might look like everyone else has it, that feeling of belonging.  It is hard to judge such things unless you are the person.  But I do always feel an outsider, someone just beyond the norm.  Everything about me is just slightly off, slightly apart from the other people around me.  And yet I ache to belong somewhere.  I search for that place, but I am beginning to think I will never find it, that I will always be the person that doesn't fit.  I am on a few email lists, I crave being able to talk to people that understand me, but what I find is I am totally different than the norm.  They all seem either very christian based, and I a pagan, or into blind support without really facing anything, and I more interested in being real and speaking my truth.  With the people in my real life, especially the bdsm side of it, I am always that weird one, the multiple, the strict D/s person.  A  freak, at least that's how I end up feeling.  I hate it, I love who I am, I am working hard on being that person.  It's not like I want to change to fit in, I tried that, and it cost me too much.  But why is it so hard to just be accepted for who I am, or find people I fit in with.  I know this town is a small one, and finding other multiples or other people with the same interests isn't exactly easy, but man I am so tired of being the strange one.

I think, ideally I would love to find a cabin in the woods. Closing my world off from the world of people.  I would love that, no more contact, no more dealing with others.  Somehow becoming totally self sufficient that I would never have to deal with another person.  Its not a healthy dream, it's just a dream that allows me to be free, to be myself and not have to worry what everyone might think, whether I fit again in the worlds of others.  I will get use to it, find my place in the outskirts of other peoples life.  I am happy with whom I/we are.  And I suppose over time I will learn to not worry so much about what others think or whether I will ever fit in.  Learning to accept yourself is a hard task, and learning it when others around you ridicule or disapprove is even harder. Top of Page
 
 

Got my loan approved today, was a relief.  I don't mind that it will mean my budget is tight because we need transport rather desperately.  It's going to be tough and I will look into refinancing it next year but for now I have the money and now all I need to do is find a bike that is within my price range and decent enough. Is kind of exciting in a way, to get a new bike, with a higher cc, be about to go out on the open road again, drive where I want, never worrying if it's going to be the last day.  This bike means so much to us now, it isn't only transport, our freedom, but because of the way my mother reacted it is about freedom from her too. She was so angry at us for not doing as she said, she told us not to get a bike, she demanded we tell her our budget when we said we wouldn't.  It feels dangerous.  We know she will increase the emotional abuse on us, and although we know we are safe from any physical violence from her the memory of that is strong within us.  But knowing all that we still managed not to bow down to her, not to give up everything and be what she wanted.  We will suffer for that, no doubting that.  I see months of emotional abuse, the put downs, the insults, the annoyance, but we will cope with it as we always have.  But this time, no matter how much it hurts we will know we stood up to her.

Coffins, burial.  We had a constant flashback last night, every time we closed our eyes we thought we were back in the ground, locked in one. I couldn't get it out of my mind, out of my awareness.  I spent most of the night lying in bed, with the light on, trying to stay awake.  Then today watching tv the show had someone buried alive.  Man can't get away from it.  It scares me, it's so always there, always pressing in on me, not just the coffin thing but everything.  I realised last week that I have had no where to deal with any of it for over 7 weeks, and we have just be going along, feeling all this, not having any release any support.  It's no wonder we are loosing it so much lately, why things are getting so bad.  And yet people just think we can continue like this.. its that old good strong Shire she will cope.  Well go figure we aren't. Top of Page
 
 

Well once again I sit trying to write a journal entry.  It's been so long since we have written anything at all for our website, and the journals have suffered because of our inability to think of what we want to say.  There is just so much going on that trying to put it down in words is too hard.   Of course if we do succeed this time it will probably turn out to be a long whinging, my life is shit type of one.  Now isn't that thrilling reading.

We wrote a while ago now, I think we wrote about it, I could check but am too lazy.  Anyway, we wrote about catering a play party for the local bdsm group we belonged to.  We were bitching about the comments made about our catering and wanting ingredients.  Well it went from that to far worse.  Actually nothing about the catering itself but rather the group itself.  It first started with us hearing rumours about someone, that although not a group member, was into BDSM and someone we were becoming friends with.  It was said that he set up his then girlfriend to have no consensual sex.  Now to us that's basically the same as rape, rape by proxy if you would.  So when we heard about it we challenged him on it, we didn't want to be friends with someone that would do that, so at the very least we wanted his side of the story.  Well it seems that was all it was.  He was shocked and angry, I can't blame him that.  He wrote to the people that started this rumour, I gave him their email address and basically said what the fuck is all this about but in a polite way.  Well once challenged these people changed there story, from knowing it had happened to hearing it had happened, to what I have heard last that he was discussion the nonconsensual sex thing in theory on an email list.  Its so funny how when challenged people's stories change.  I got so angry for him, I knew he wasn't all that liked, that a lot of shit was spoken about him, but this was the last straw and well in my eyes totally unacceptable.  But a funny thing happened, something that doesn't usually happen for us.  Our anger at the way he was being treated allowed us to become angry that the same people had been treating us that way ever since we knew them.    They talk about this guy, about how he is into mind games, how he likes to break submissives.  They make fun of any d/s that is deeper than their own.  Any discussion that isn't about play or the sexual aspects of BDSM are looked down on.  And I realised that a lot of the group have always treated me that way, they look down upon me, they treat me like I am some kind of freak and that my interest in the dominance and submission dynamic is at best weird, at worse disgusting.  I always allowed that, just smiled and shrugged it off.  I prided myself on being open-minded, on knowing that how it is for me isn't necessarily how it is for them, and what makes them happy is what they should do.  During the times I would become infuriated I created a little mantra to keep me from saying anything that might be considered rude or offensive.  "Its not my relationship, its not my problem"  But I realised I was never given the same respect, instead what I thought and enjoyed was made fun of.

And it wasn't just that.  I realised that although I was looked down upon because of my d/s interests I was also entertainment because of my sadistic leanings.  Now I am not denying that I do have a sadistic streak, but it isn't all I am, it isn't the only way I play.  I found myself a caricature, the sadistic one that people could laugh about.  But since it was about play it was also acceptable, but the reality is that is only just a little part of me, I am many things, multi faceted, not a simplistic portrayal.  And I have to admit when I was volunteered to give a CBT workshop on a boy that I had only met once I was offended.  Ok it might be perfectly fine for them to play in such a way with strangers, but for me, those areas (the genitals) are very personal intimate.  Now maybe if I knew the person, had a good friendship with them, even if it wasn't a sexual relationship I could manage.  But a total stranger, no way.  I mean its not something you can just do once.  Get the boy up in front of everyone and find he hates it so much he freaks out, so that would mean at least one go in private.  Well ok, he volunteered, but once again no one asked me, they just assumed I would do it.  After all I am a dom aren't I *sigh*

So anyway back to the party.  Because I was reliant on others for transport, I traipsed around all over the place.  That in itself wasn't a problem, the people I got the transport off are good friends and I hadn't seen them in a while, so it was great to spend some time with them.   However on one of the many stops I ran into one of the people that started this rumour, instantly I knew I was in for a "good" night.  This woman that for ages had proclaimed friendship for me, refused to even acknowledge my presence, and when someone else directed something my way, all she could do was glare at me.  Fine I thought, be that way, no big deal.  But this continued all night, and it got tiring.  From them both I got nothing but those filthy drop dead looks.  After about 5 hours he muttered a hello when I walked past, and she spoke to me in the kitchen when she came looking for something.  But in general it was cold hostility.  We did our best to ignore it, to not let it get to us, but the reality was that it was childish pathetic behaviour and it was irritating us.  They got caught out in spending cruel rumours, they didn't like that I just didn't believe them, that I contacted the person involved.  They didn't like that it backfired on them, so they treated me like shit all night.  Luckily we had spoken to Melanie early that day, convinced her not to react to them and she behaved herself all night, controlling her growing anger.  I didn't want to sink to their level, didn't want to make a scene, so instead I was just polite and courteous all night.

The upshot of this is once again I am questioning myself.  It is not as bad as it was the last time I went through this, partly because I am healthier, more able to be strong about who I am, and partly because of my relationship with Joy.  Face it she would kill me if I gave up the D/s lifestyle *chuckle*.  But I have removed myself from the group, permanently this time, and are not discussing BDSM with anyone, or showing my dominant side.  I don't want to have to justify my life, my interests, I don't want to face people making jokes or derogatory remarks to and about me.  In a lot of ways I have shut down, have made the decision to not allow anyone else into that part of my life.  I want it to remain something I am proud of, something that feels good.  It seems lately that when I sought like minded people, all I got was grief.  I was so much more happy when it was that secret lifestyle, that no one other than me and my partner knew about it, so I will return to that way.  I don't like feeling that it is causing me pain, and I realise it isn't the lifestyle but the way people, people who claim to be accepting and open minded react to me.

On the night of the play party, I received a letter from my brother.  It was a little shocking.  He apologised for not being there for us, saying he realised a little of my problems since he has his own issues to deal with, and that he realised how important it was to have friends and that I had been left alone.  He offered his support if I ever needed or wanted it.  I didn't know how I felt, it was so distressing, I think because somehow I always wished having a real brother, not one that was just my parents son.  And now he was offering it.  But could we trust him, was it safe to let him in.  We just didn't know.  So after a lot of thought we wrote to him.  We told him we were multiple, in very broad terms, totally avoiding the issues of abuse.  I don't believe he is ready to accept that side of things yet, the abuse.  So I will play down that.  Hell I know multiples that don't have abuse histories, so its not like he has to believe it to believe me.  So I posted it today, sent it off to Australia.  Now I will have to wait, to see what if any response I get from it.  The worst thing that could happen is he doesn't want to know me anymore, that he tells my parents and they don't want to know me.  So funny thing is its really a win win situation.  It's going to be such an anxious wait though, for some kind of response.  I wish I could be there secretly when he reads it, to be able to observe him.

I wonder, if it all goes well what it will be like to have a brother.  I mean it won't be that close because he does live in another country, but still to have someone I can be myself with.  To be able to talk to him, to have someone that understands.  And the funny thing is that when he was over, although there were a few things about that visit that worried us, there was also a sense of understanding, about him knowing where we were coming from when we mentioned family stuff.  I had always heard of stories about close siblings and never understood it.  I couldn't get it because I didn't have it.  I usually think of myself as an only child, even though I aren't.  I feel like an only child in the sense of being an adult and having no contact with my brother.  But growing up with him, I was more like the foster kid no one liked.  he was the golden child, the one that could do no wrong.  At least that's how it was presented to me.  Your brother does this, your brother is so good at that, why can't you be like your brother.  Our parents set out to keep us apart, to have that dynamic of good son/bad daughter.  And they did a damn good job at it.

The motorbike search isn't going well.  I finally get my loan, get things organised, and no bike can be found.  I hate not having transport, I feel so trapped, so vulnerable.  And of course now if I need to go into town we need to get on public transport.  That just triggers us and we suffer quietly.  The good thing is that we do fall apart without being noticed, we can be a mess but look calm and distant on the outside.  But this waiting, and hoping we will find a bike is annoying to say the least.  It is so irritating, I mean, today its a lovely day, and I have nothing else to do, would love to be able to get out, to go for a drive somewhere, but instead I am stuck at home.  It doesn't help that I live on the top of a big hill and any where I would want to walk would mean having to traipse up and down hills.  I know one will turn up eventually, but patience is not a virtue any of us seem to have.

I need to start getting my mind back into doing more work on the website.  Have been thinking of doing some stuff on what it is like inside, both our lives as well as the world itself.  The hard thing is it all seems like some bad fantasy novel, and I wonder if anyone will take me seriously on it.  I joined an email list that I thought would discuss internal world things, but it turns out to be more an intellectual discussion on what internal worlds mean, rather than sharing about the other worlds.  There is the email list I started about it, and I might just end up sending emails to ourselves about it, and see what can develop from there.  Instead of having it on here where everyone can read, have archives of emails about our own world.  Not really the best option but still one that will work.  And it might help us communicate a bit better.  We aren't really writing to any of the email lists we are on.  Once again I get the feeling that I am looking for something that just isn't there.  But KS seems the best place to find it and it is looking hopeful, because although we have gone silent on all the other lists we still manage to write, a little sporadically to KS.  The others I am wondering if I should just unsub from, I am not really participating in any of them after all.  Although I am by nature a loner, I hate feeling so isolated.  But then that is mostly our doing, we find it so hard to talk to others, to talk about ourselves, to share our lives and thoughts.  We fear not belonging, or being laughed at so instead of risking that happening we shut down, close off and isolate. Top of Page
 
 

Things seem to be ok.  Mostly we are getting over the hurts of the last few days, moving forward, putting it behind us, all that kind of stuff.  Joy told me today there was a letter sent to the Dunedin list thanking everyone, but me, for their work in the play party.  Maybe it was because I removed myself from the list that I was not mentioned, or maybe it was another way to get back at me, either way it doesn't really matter anymore.  I don't care anymore.  I  have moved on, well not quite yet, still find it hard to celebrate my lifestyle choice.  Still don't really want to talk about it, or act from that place.  It's still a little sad, to have something so good tainted.  I hope soon I will get over it, and get back to my real self.

Got my hair cut today.  Actually really liking it.  Its the first time its been cut in probably 2 years, so it was just lying there lifeless for ages, now it has some style and shape to it.  When waiting for the appointment we went clothes shopping.  But I was hit with self hatred for my body again.  Its gotten rather bad again.  I know we have put on a little weight lately, but still our body image has once again returned to its old negative hatred.  We looked in the mirror and all there was looking back was a fat ugly blob.   Everything I tried on just looked terrible with me, but I think that was more because I was caught up in my look, in the ugly way my body looked.  I hated it, I hated everything about myself.  When I was at the hairdresser sitting in front of the mirror that person looking back at me was disgusting, I wanted to run away, to hide.  This skinny hairdresser was talking to me, chatting away and all I could think was she must be repulsed working on someone so vile.  I really just wanted to die, that my body, my ugliness made it wrong for me to be in public, that I should either hide away, or go and kill myself, I was too ugly to live.  Its been a while since I have had this strong a body image reaction, I have worked so hard on accepting myself for who I am, for not letting it take over and keep me trapped.  But now it's back and strong again.

I know if I hate it then I should do something, start exercising again, eat less.  There are times when I wish my abuse had lead me to become anexoric, man that's awful to say, but I feel if I was thin then it wouldn't be such a bad thing, that I wouldn't hate myself so much.  Now I know that anexorics have more issues than that, that a lot still hate their bodies that they see it as a bad thing.  I don't know.. I just don't want to be fat and lazy.  Having the back problem will mean that exercise is difficult, maybe I should take up swimming again, down at the psyhio pool.  After all its down where I go for therapy, so I could get some exercise.  But I know its not just my body size, not just that I see myself as ugly.  I don't think becoming thin would actually change anything, I would still hate my body.  I need to work on finding a way to like myself again, I need to know that I am not this ugly cow I think I am.  I need to feel beautiful, to have someone like who I am.  No that's not just it, I don't need the outside validation as much as I need my inside one.  I will never be beautiful, but will I have to go through life feeling too ugly to live.  Top of Page