Well turned out that the way we arranged the bed area was a mistake.  There is such a cold draft coming through the window that at some ungodly hour we had to pull the bed half way down the room and put on a hat just so we weren't freezing.  So we lay there pissed, loved that way we had it but it wasn't going to work.  Not being able to sleep we worked out a new way of setting up the entire house.  The bed was put back in it's normal place.  Seems that is the only place we can put it.  But the computer as been moved over and the drawers are in the corner.  The lounge area is moved around too.  So the house is looking toward different.  Hopefully this will settle us down a little, take that edge off that need to move, to move house, to move city, to move somewhere.  I hate that ache to chuck everything in and just move on.  We have always done it, moved house, moved relationships, moved away from anything.  I know its just the time of the year, its such a pain though.  And we don't want to live like that forever, we don't want to be this rootless person, someone that can't settle, that can't maintain relationships.

We got a cellphone.

I know we got a cellphone.  Hardly journal material though is it?

Hey it is for me, I am excited about the cellphone.

You know you confuse me sometimes.

Why's that?

Sometime you are such a teenager, and then others you give us all that deep stuff.  Like the emails you have been writing.

What?  You think, like everyone else, that I am one dimensional or something.

You know I don't mean that.  It's just you surprise me.

The cellphone thing is something I have been wanting for ages.  I know it sounds stupid to you, to other people that it can mean a lot to me, but it feels good, feels like I am something,  Maybe I aren't, maybe we are just some crazy sick person, but feeling like we aren't a loser helps.

We aren't a loser hon, we struggle, with our shit, with our finances, with our life.  But that doesn't make us crazy or a loser.  It just means we have had it tough, and we are trying our best to get the life we want now.  And you know, as much as you don't want to admit it you have had it tough too, there are things you don't talk about to anyone, that we can see in your eyes sometimes.  That's why that fire started.

I don't want to talk about that

I know and ok, I won't bring it up again.  But you can't be so hard on yourself and on the rest of us for struggling to deal with all this.

I don't give anyone a hard time about our life.  I don't hassle anyone over therapy.  I just want to have a life, have some fun as well.  I just want to keep living though all this, you know.

And we are hon, but look at you, you show things with your deepness, you ponder some deep questions, you are more than one dimension, we all are.  You can be that and be lighthearted.  I suppose that was the confusion thing, you have only shown us that one side of you for a long time, and now we are getting to see more.  And that's a good thing.

Suppose so.  Does that mean you will lighten up and we can see that other side of you?

Who knows?  Just don't hold your breath ok.